#if my manic and depressive states are less than a day long but so intense that its physically uncomfortable

[cursezone]

i kinda really hate how certain terms and concepts are only treated as existing if theyre a part of a specific disorder as if people who arent bipolar dont experience mania or that you must be referring to an episode if you say you feel manic like its not even just a misconception everyday people have its in the systemmmmmmmmmmmm like wtf

[anotherescsite]

The Eurovision Song Contest we had to have

The journey from Tel Aviv to Rotterdam was an unexpectedly long one. Who knew that when Duncan Lawrence raised the trophy in May 2019 that another Eurovision Song Contest Grand Final would not take place for another 736 days? Having to wait such a long time between two Eurovision (excluding 2 x Junior contests) was excruciating, soul destroying and plainly depressing. And just like that, Eurovision 2021 has come and has now gone.

As the title says, it is The Eurovision Song Contest we had to have. It is a bold statement and I considered it for a day before putting it there. In reflection the song contest in Rotterdam was a wonderful event for many reasons which I’d like to discuss a bit. So this may take a while, but bear with me and hopefully, I’ll make it worth your while.

THE HOSTS

Four hosts was two too many, but let’s talk about them. Chantal is beautiful and the most professional of the foursome. Jan was the token male and while his performance was contained to a very small potion, it was nevertheless, fine. Edsilia was much more chilled than I expected and provided a warm presence amongst these people. Nikkie was probably the most down to earth of them all, possibly the most personable, but also somehow cold.

In actually effect, while there were four of them, they worked. No one took a lite load but they each had an equal presence in the show. As many other people have mentioned, everyone would have preferred more Edsilia and Nikkie to Jan and Chantal, but I’m not terribly fussed. They were all well practiced and very on point for the event and as a viewer I was pleased by this.

THE STAGE 

Like most Eurovision stages, they do not look like anything unless you turn on the lights. That was definitely the case for this one. The lights were on, the stage sparkled, and the stage was alive in every way that it was asked. The screens provided everything that were needed for each of the songs and other performances. The transparent screen in the middle of the venue added so much to some of the performances and was the masterstroke that made some of them visually exciting.

There was one thing about the stage that felt like they were reminiscing stages of the Dutch past. I felt a hint of the Amsterdam 1970 stage on the sides. I don’t think it was a co-incidence, but I liked the fact that the paid homage like that. Everything else was state of the art.

POSTCARDS

The postcard films were well put together to present a place in the Netherlands, a tiny house structure with items that belong or relate to the act coming up and then a green screen appearance of the act in the tiny house. 

While the postcard as a whole were well put together and cleverly created, I felt I missed out on seeing more of the Netherlands because they were focused more on what was coming and less with the airport, the canal, the lighthouse, the field, the tulips and whatever else was presented. So it’s only a small thing in a small film, but I wanted more of a Netherlands tourism experience in the films.

THE INTERVAL ACTS

It’s a funny thing about this year’s interval acts, and to be completely honest, I happy about it. If you asked a fan about Eurovision 2014, people will say that they remember ‘Love love peace peace’ and Justin Timberlake. In 1994, people remember ‘Riverdance’. In Tel Aviv, there was Madonna. I like that the intervals this year did not overshadow the entrants to the song contest. They were a time filler, a light refreshment and then it was over. For the most part well performed, entertaining and gone before you know it

I recall there was something about water in the first semi final, there was a dancer and a bike in the second, the former winners sang on Rotterdam buildings and some unifying song and dance. Nikkie did some little films about losing, and behaviour in the green room during voting. All were quality performances that were well constructed, organised and presented. They held the viewers attention while we waited for the votes to commence/announcement of the qualifiers and because they were each engaging, they seemed to go quickly.

THE OUTCOME

In most cases, things went as expected in the semi finals. Fans were disappointed with Croatia not qualifying, but I don’t think the betting had them qualifying. Romania was expected to qualify, but Roxen could not sing the song and move at the same time. Ireland suffered the same fate with an impressive staging. Semi final 2 went as expected as well; maybe Austria was expected to get through in place of Albania; i disagree.

The results/placings in the final were a bit of a surprise to me, but there was one certainty for me and that was that Italy deserved their win. There is a very simple reason for it’s success too. It’s not that it was a loud song or that the song was outlandish, or the way they were dressed. The reason that Italy won was that the performance of the song was a natural performance. I’m sure there was choreography of movement, but they were not outside of what they usually do. There was no gimmick, no dance routine, no green screen to worry about, no spinning diamond or large gimmick hanging from the roof of the stadium. It is also why the French entry was such a success and for a lesser part Iceland and Ukraine. Finland and Portugal also presented an entry that was in essence what was expected for that type of song.

Switzerland was a vast success in my eyes. They rolled the dice and they came up on top with the juries. Switzerland have rolled out a prop in the past to highlight a song, but this year they added lighting and camera work to add to the tension of the entry and it worked. Gjon looked a bit clumsy at times, but it was  excellent captivating three minutes.

There were some countries that were dependent on a large prop. Some were there to attract votes as they went with the song while others to distract from it. Russia and Cyprus had several well placed props that worked well and were relevant to the song. Greece had a large invisible prop that made what was a good song appear like a joke entry. Malta had a prop that didn’t make sense to the entry being performed. Bulgaria’s rock was both inspirational and strange to me. Moldova’s revolving diamond worked for her also, but it was just a surface to perform choreography on. 

I want to spend a moment of praise on Serbia and Belgium that had very different performances, but appropriately performed. Serbia took their sexy manic, hair choreographed selves all over the stage gyrating and moving like they had drunk 15 cups of coffee. Belgium, on the other hand, was very intense and sedate in their presentation mainly because most of them were playing instruments that were unmovable. 

Of the countries that retained their choreography from a national final, other than Iceland, was Lithuania. They had varied it only very little from the national final and in their case, the performance was crazy perfection to match the theme of the song.  I was disappointed with Norway, Azerbaijan and Sweden for retaining almost identical choreography to their songs from the film clip/national final, but I wasn’t a big fan of either song in the final. They seemed tired in appearance and in formatting. Azerbaijan needs a further slap for submitting their 2020 song with a new name.

I feel some disappointment for a few of the entrants. I’m going to start with the United Kingdom. Poor James Newman. He had a thumping good song that fans liked. There was enthusiasm from the fans that the UK would do better this year and they did worse. What I find astounding is he does not appear to be a shy person, yet he allowed someone in the United Kingdom delegation to produce that choreography, that outfit and those props for that song. To my ear, James sounded sad and dejected in the final and I was unbelievably disappointed that they didn’t score something from somewhere.

I’m disappointed for San Marino too. Senhit has showed she is a class act and has spent the last year enthusiastically covering Eurovision songs. But at the song contest, she appeared to be a forgotten entrant. Even with the addition of Flo Rida did not give the song some cred. I have a recurring image of Senhit’s shoulders slump and physically shrink on hearing that her efforts accounted for 50 points.

I’m also disappointed for the Netherlands. They most likely did not want to host again and it is a sad curse that countries that host usually end near the bottom of the scoreboard (excluding Super Sweden). But to score so terribly for what was a gloriously performed entry was unconscionable. I praise the Netherlands for choosing such a wonderful cultural performance for the stage.

At the bottom end, Spain and Germany had very different entries, performed with contrasting enthusiasm and it got them both a very low level of support. Spain had the most tired song that was boring as all hell and the presentation of the entry gave the audience nothing in return but a large grey beach ball in the sky. Back to the drawing board?  Germany was destined to fail in March. The charisma and fun of their film was completely missing from the staging and it was never going to go well.

Albania had the misfortune of being ignored, given a terribly bad draw for the second year straight and not given anywhere near the appropriate amount of votes required. Anxhela gave a good stylish and appropriate performance. She was on-point vocally and in her performance on stage.

Israel, on the other hand, was a spectacle. The song was kind of meh, performed with a lot of choreography to distract from it. She did a whistle note; so? I’m sure she had to get noticed somehow with her t-shirt dress, her nude illusion reveal and the headdress she stole from reigning RuPaul Drag race winner, Symone. (Did she not no know where she was coming and who would be watching? Picked that up immediately)

IN CONCLUSION

There is one other things that I have not mentioned so far and it only occurred to me after re-reading some of the above comments. The Dutch were very time conscious. They said they were keeping the final under four hours and they pulled it in and got it done. In my opinion, it was a Eurovision that was very breezy, and very light experience because while the experience of Eurovision was 8 hours of your week watching the shows, this year did not seem like an ordeal. I felt that the shows progressed quickly without fuss or propaganda. As a package it came together well across the board.  

It was a good Eurovision year and had something to cater for the taste of everyone. Some songs were not suited to everyone, but that happens. Below is how I saw this years song’s after the three shows and believe me I have changed it a few times before settling on this list. Looking at it, I want to move them around again.

So that’s it. Next year it will be somewhere in Italy; maybe Turin, maybe Rome, Milan or Bologna. It won’t matter. Feel free to comment, complain, debate. I’m happy to back myself and for you to convince me otherwise. I haven’t got anything else to do. : )

[g00by3]

hey so my current health teachers mental health cirriculum sucks (i cant spell) so i made a list of most mental health disorders w info on each one. i plan on sending it to her but first i wanna check: is there any edits i should make? is there any misinformation or things i left out? pls let me know!! (paper below the cut):

Mental Health Disorders

Mental health disorders are a range of disorders that alter one's way of thinking, functioning, moods, and behavior. These disorders are often stigmatized but education about definitions and breaking down common misconceptions can help break the stigma. Breaking the stigma can help individuals get help while struggling with any of these disorders.

Trigger Warning for in-depth discussion of mental illness

Depression

Depression is a mental health disorder characterized through constant feeling of sadness, hopelessness, and general loss of interest in hobbies. These feelings impact your day to day life.

Types of depression include:

Major Depression/MDD (Major Depressive Disorder)- The technical term used by health professionals to describe the most common form of depression.

Manic Depression [Bipolar Disorder]- Bipolar Disorder was previously known as manic depression, and the term manic depression is outdated. The term “Bipolar disorder” was released in the DMS-3.

Seasonal Depression/SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder)- A mood disorder with a seasonal pattern. The cause is believed to be due to the variation of light exposure in different seasons. Depression in winter is the most common form of SAD.

Psychotic Depression- A disconnect from reality due to a depressive condition, which can involve hallucinations, delusions, paranoia, etc.

Anxiety

GAD or Generalized Anxiety Disorder is a disorder in which a person exhibits excessive anxiety most days, for at least 6 months, about a variety of things. This worrying impairs daily functioning. Anxiety can be related to a plethora of things such as health, social interactions, work/school, etc.

Types of anxiety include:

Panic Disorder- A type of anxiety disorder in which a person has recurring panic attacks. A panic attack are periods of extreme anxiety, often including increased heart rate, sweating, nausea, and other physical reactions.

Social Anxiety- Anxiety towards social or performance situations. People with social anxiety worry about how others will perceive them or their actions, which often causes them to avoid social situations.

Separation Anxiety Disorder- A disorder commonly seen in children (while still possible to occur in adulthood) in which an individual has anxiety about being separated from people they have an attachment towards.

PTSD

A type of anxiety disorder caused by experiencing, or witnessing a traumatic event. PTSD stands for “post-traumatic stress disorder.” In the World Wars it was known as “shell shock” and “combat fatigue” among the soldiers. Can be caused by a variety of things, such as war, death of a loved one, violence, abuse of any kind, natural disasters, car accidents, etc. Not everyone who goes through something traumatic develops PTSD though, as everyone’s brain works and processes things differently. PTSD includes symptoms of nightmares, flashbacks, body memories, etc.

C-PTSD or “Complex-PTSD” is a specific type of PTSD. This disorder occurs when trauma is long-lasting and repeating.

Eating Disorders

Eating disorders are a group of disorders characterized by severe and persistent disturbance in eating behaviors as a way to alter one’s weight and/or physical appearance.

Common types of eating disorders include:

Anorexia Nervosa- Individuals who struggle with this disorder often restrict their calorie or food intake, or carefully manage what they eat as a means to lose weight. Some people may also purge through the use of laxatives or self-induced vomiting, may over-exercise, and/or may binge eat. The distinction between “atypical” and “typical” anorexia is harmful and unnecessary as both are dangerous and cause the same amount of psychological as well as medical damage.

Bulimia Nervosa- A disorder in which an individual binge eats, or consumes large amounts of food in a short period of time, followed by purging.

BED (Binge-Eating Disorder)- A person with this disorder consumes large quantities of food in a small period of time, often to the point of discomfort, and experiences negative emotions in regards to it afterwards. These emotions include shame, guilt, or distress.

EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified)- When an individual meets many, but not all, of the diagnostic criteria of anorexia and bulimia.

DID

DID or Dissociative Identity Disorder is a disorder caused by repeated childhood trauma before the age of 7-9, which is when a child’s ego state is supposed to integrate but is unable to do so due to this disorder. It is described as the presence of two or more dissociative identities, or alters, with amnesia between them. People with this disorder are known as “systems” and alters are all individual identities. Previously known as MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder) until 1994, DID affects approximately 1% of the population worldwide.

OSDD (Otherwise Specified Dissociative Disorder), previously known as DDNOS (Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) until the DSM-5’s release in 2013, is a disorder therapists may diagnosis when a patient experiences distressing dissociative symptoms that impair daily functioning, but don’t meet the full criteria for another dissociative disorder. OSDD-1 is a dissociative disorder that serves as a catch-all for individuals with symptoms that do not perfectly align with diagnostic criteria for another dissociative disorder.

The two types of OSDD-1 are:

OSDD-1a- A type of dissociative disorder in which alters are present but less distinguished and cannot “front” (take control of the body), but can passively influence one another. Amnesia is also present.

OSDD-1b- Distinct alters are present, can front, but there is no reported amnesia.

Other types of OSDD are:

OSDD-2- Derealization (feeling as though reality, or one’s surroundings aren’t real) without depersonalization (feeling disconnected from one’s body, thoughts, mind, memories, etc).

OSDD-3, OSDD-4, OSDD-5- Similar to DID symptoms, but due to brainwashing, dissociative trace, Ganser syndrome, etc.

OSDD-6- A dissociative disorder in which symptoms are unclear.

Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder is a condition in which extreme mood swings with acute highs and drastic lows occur. This condition was known as manic depression until 1980. A manic episode is when a person with bipolar experiences increased euphoria, motivation, and hyperactivity, a decreased need for sleep, and oftentimes experiences feelings of being “godlike” or invincible. Manic episodes can also lead to impulsive behavior.

There are two types of bipolar disorder:

Bipolar I- At least one manic episode has occurred, with hypomanic and major depressive episodes occurring as well.

Bipolar II- At least one depressive episode and hypomanic episode. but a manic episode has never occurred.

OCD

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a disorder in which a person gets stuck in a pattern of obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions are intrusive thoughts that trigger negative feelings that are intense and distressing. Compulsions are behaviors that a person with OCD partakes in to control these intrusive thoughts, or manage their distress. OCD is beyond just wanting to be clean or needing everything to be symmetrical- it is an exhausting disorder that negatively impacts one’s daily life.

ADHD

ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, and is characterized by symptoms of hyperactivity, difficulty paying attention, and impulsivity, all of which impact an individual negatively in two or more settings. ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) was a term used to describe individuals with symptoms of ADHD minus the hyperactivity, but as of the release of the DSM-5, it is an outdated term.

Body Dysmorphia

This is a mental health disorder in which a person fixates on a flaw in their appearance to the point where it is distressing and may cause a person to avoid social situations. Oftentimes this flaw seems minor, or even nonexistent to others, but to a person with body dysmorphia, it is anxiety-inducing.

Gender Dysphoria

Severe psychological distress due to an incongruence between one’s gender identity and their sex assigned at birth. Seen in lots of transgender individuals, but not all.

Psychotic Disorders

A kind of mental health disorder that impacts one’s mind and mode of thinking. These disorders often cause a disconnect from reality.

Types of psychotic disorders include:

Schizophrenia- A person with schizophrenia experiences changes in behavior, hallucinations, and delusions, all lasting longer than 6 months. These symptoms often affect the person in their daily life or relationships.

Schizoaffective Disorder- Symptoms of both schizophrenia and a mood disorder can be an indicator of schizoaffective disorder.

Delusional Disorder- A disorder in which an individual experiences a delusion (a belief that is held, but false) involving a real-life situation that isn’t true. Examples are: being followed, having a disease, and being plotted against. This delusion must be at least one month long. The five primary types of delusions are: mood or atmosphere, perception, memory, ideas, or awareness.

Personality Disorders

A personality disorder is a type of mental health disorder where an unhealthy pattern of thinking, functioning, and behaving occurs. This causes significant problems in an individual's life.

Types of personality disorders include:

BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)- A mental health disorder with symptoms of: intense fear of abandonment, a pattern of unstable intense relationships, distorted sense of self/identity, dissociation, impulsive and risky behavior, suicidal threats or threats of self-harm, intense mood swings, inappropriate anger, and chronic emptiness.

ASPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder)- A disorder identified by patterns of disregarding or violating other’s emotions or wellbeing. A person with ASPD may not conform to societal norms, may lie or manipulate others, or act impulsively.

NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder)- A pattern of demands for admiration and/or a lack of empathy for others. A person with this personality disorder may view themselves as superior, expect to be worshipped or treated as above all else, or feel entitled to whatever their heart desires.

Avoidant Personality Disorder- A disorder characterized by being extremely shy, sensitivity to criticism, poor self-esteem, and feeling anxiety towards the way they are perceived.

OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder)- Similar to OCD, as both have obsessions with rituals, habits, and cleanliness, but distinctly different. OCPD is a pattern of absorption in cleanliness, control, perfection, and schedules.

Paranoid Personality Disorder- A disorder in which a person is suspicious of others and their motives, seeing them as evil or bad. A person with this disorder may believe people are out to get them, or hurt them, or lie to them, and may avoid confiding in others due to this paranoia.

Histrionic Personality Disorder- A pattern of attention seeking and strong emotions. A person with this disorder will take extreme measures to be the center of attention, such as alter their appearance or act out.

Schizoid Personality Disorder- A pattern of detachment from social relationships, and difficulty expressing emotion. A person with schizoid personality disorder often chooses to be alone, and doesn’t care what others' views on them are.

Schizotypal Personality Disorder- People with this disorder have a pattern of being uncomfortable in close relationships. have distorted thinking, or eccentric behavior. They may behave in ways that seem strange or believe odd things.

Substance Use Disorder/Drug Addiction

Substance Use Disorder is a disease that impacts a person mentally and physically, and affects nearly 21 million Americans. Drug addiction happens when a person is unable to control their use of a drug due to a variety of reasons, despite the harm it causes.

Conduct Disorder

A serious disorder in which a child/teen displays a pattern of disruptive or violent behavior, and has trouble obeying rules.

SOURCES:

https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/conditionsandtreatments/depression#types-of-depression

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/anxiety-disorders/

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/ptsd/what-is-ptsd

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-complex-ptsd-2797491

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/eating-disorders/what-are-eating-disorders

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/by-eating-disorder/anorexia

https://www.healthline.com/health/bulimia-nervosa

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/by-eating-disorder/bed

https://www.dpt.nhs.uk/our-services/eating-disorders/what-is-an-eating-disorder/eating-disorder-symptoms/eating-disorder-not-otherwise-specified-ednos-symptoms

https://www.isst-d.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Fact-Sheet-IV-What-Are-the-Dissociative-Disorders_-1.pdf

https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/dissociative-identity-disorder/dissociative-identity-disorder-did-statistics-and-facts

https://did-research.org/comorbid/dd/osdd_udd/did_osdd

https://plurality-dictionary.fandom.com/wiki/OSDD-1a

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Other_specified_dissociative_disorder

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bipolar-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355955

https://iocdf.org/about-ocd/

https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/index.html

https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/diagnosis.html

https://www.understood.org/en/learning-thinking-differences/child-learning-disabilities/add-adhd/difference-between-add-adhd

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/body-dysmorphic-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20353938

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/gender-dysphoria/what-is-gender-dysphoria

https://www.webmd.com/schizophrenia/guide/mental-health-psychotic-disorders

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/delusions-types

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/personality-disorders/symptoms-causes/syc-20354463

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20370237

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/personality-disorders/what-are-personality-disorders

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/drug-addiction/symptoms-causes/syc-20365112

https://www.addictioncenter.com/addiction/addiction-statistics/

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-health-conduct-disorder

also damn if you read all of this, hope ur ok lol

i literally just wrote this for fun in four hrs bc im hyperfixating on researching mental health disorders rn.

[humanoidmindbox]

Us Vs. Them

Abstract

In this essay, I will be assessing my personal feelings and attitudes toward different and defined groups. During this analysis, I will be breaking up the population into four groups: Us, Them, Allies, and Enemies. These groups have been formulated by and based on the workings and fields of psychology, psychiatry, individuals with mental illnesses (including me) and how societal norms fit into issues raised in this paper. I hope you find this to be worthwhile and I hope this sparks the fire of your intellectual flame.

-‐----------------------------------------

The American population, in the terms of mental illness, psychology, and sociology, fall into one of four categories which are detailed below:

US

This group of people are those who suffer from profound mental illness. The affliction must be (Your illness doesn't have to be all of these things, but it must be most of them):

Chronic; recurring; cause suffering; affect your relationships with others; make it so you cannot keep a job; make it so you cannot function in society; possibly get government compensation for your illness; *been hospitalized in the psych ward; been arrested when your symptoms were active; reckless and/or impulsive behaviors; suicide attempt(s); and became violent when your symptoms were active. 

Them

These people are the majority of the population. They blindly follow pop culture and buy into what the masses are doing, believing, and saying. They do not have severe mental illness although they may be diagnosed with the garden-variety depression and anxiety. They have never been to inpatient for mental disorders, except maybe once, a long time ago. They will try to relate to you when it comes to mental health but they are just regurgitating what the trendy treatments and hardships are (the commonplace “social anxiety” is on the rage right now). In the inpatient hospital, the Them are the hospital staff. Especially the ones who give you the shot and put you in isolation. They are the ones who pink slip you and call the police. They think drugs are bad. You can’t truly trust Them. They don’t understand you and they probably never will. Most of Them are not hateful or mean. They are just ignorant, inexperienced, and constantly lecturing you or preaching to you. Most of Them view you as less-than, whether it is intended or not. 

Allies

Imagine a straight line down the middle of a square. This divides the “Us” and “Them” that we already went over. But directly on that line, not leaning to one side or the other, sits the “Allies.” The Us’s allies have most likely not gone to the mental hospital except maybe once, long ago. But they have a mental illness that brings them suffering. They may be in mental health treatment. They struggle almost every day and their behaviors reflect that. They are a part of society and will never and have never been deemed unfit to be a working part of society. They get along with others although they feel like no one completely understands them. They do not blindly follow all of pop culture’s rules and trends. They support the Us. We can trust them somewhat. They are our allies. 

Enemies 

The Enemies only exist within the “Them” group. They are the ones we must watch the most carefully and never trust. Most of “Us'' do not have many Enemies on the outside but we have plenty of Enemies on the inside (inpatient). The Enemies at the hospital are those who give you the shot after they have to hold you down when you’re screaming and thrashing around because you’re so fucking freaked out. They are the ones who put you in four point restraints and let you “tire yourself out.” On the outside, the police are the Enemy for apprehending you while they get a pink slip. They are anyone who pink slips you. The Enemy tells you that you’re crazy when you know you are doing well. They threaten the hospital and hang it over your head. The Enemy treats you unfairly because something that you cannot control or help is wrong with you. The reason why Them can never be fully trusted is because any one of Them could become the Enemy at any time.

-------------------------------------------------------

I first felt the “Us Vs. Them” divide when I started frequenting mental hospitals. And when I started showing signs of severe  symptoms of mental illness. In the hospital, you are a “rat in a cage” (Smashing Pumpkins song) with the staff holding the only key to get out. A drastic power imbalance exists between the staff and the patient: we are the prisoners and they are the guards. All we want to do is get out. All we want to do is go home. And if not home, then at least to a different, free place. 

When I had my major mental breakdown/manic episode of winter 2019, I had been taking my medications- they were just the wrong ones. In the cage, you must take your medications, whether you want to or not. Whether you trust Them or not. If you refuse medication, They take you to court and get a court order forcing you to take your medication while you are inpatient. 

There are some key ways that the “Us” and the “Them” are different in the mental hospital dynamic. They own your body: you are forced to take medications, you are locked in a box (hopefully not isolation). You can’t hurt yourself and if you do, you will stay longer (same goes for violence against others). They control your behaviors: They deem what is “appropriate” and “inappropriate” behaviors. If you break the rules surrounding these behaviors, you will get the shot, isolation, moved to a worse ward (for the more violent and disruptive patients), restraint holds, staying longer, or any combination of these events. The worst one I can think of is moving wards up a number. They try to brain-wash you: They say: “There is only one way to live life and we know the correct way to live it.” “The correct way to live is only what we arbitrarily and subjectively call “healthy coping mechanisms” and you must abandon all “unhealthy” ones in order to live life correctly and avoid being society’s pariah.” “Your only hope to be a functioning person is to abide by the teachings of CBT and DBT. All other methods will not work.” They have the opinion that their methods of recovery always  work and if you are not having positive effects from their treatments, you must be doing it wrong- they deny that their treatments do not work for everybody and fail to recognize that the “bad” coping mechanisms are the only way that certain people can get by.

When you are mandated as an inpatient in the hospital, you have no rights. They take away your rights as a person. They tell you where to go, what to eat, and they control how long you are in there, what medication you take, and worst of all- when you get put down like a dog with a shot or when you switch to a more severe level. You are treated like an animal in a cage, and there is nothing that you can do about it. Losing control of your own body to this degree leads to something inside of you breaking  and you turning into a feral animal (hospital song). After that happens (especially if it happens multiple times), you are never the same. 

There are laws to keep other people from harming you or your property. I believe that it is a good thing that these laws are in place and that they should be upheld. But there are also laws that are made to prevent you from harming yourself and I don’t think such laws should exist. Once again, I question what the authorities, our working society (Them) and the masses (Them) deem “harmful” and ultimately illegal.

Most people in society simply follow popular culture. They just look to what the majority of others do and follow suit. But they have blinders on: they don’t see that they come up with justifications and sorry attempts at reasons to back-up their choice to blindly follow the majority.

The authorities and society says:

Drugs = Bad→ Laws against it.

Self-harm = Bad→ No laws against it but there is intense societal disapproval and shaming connected to it.

*It is the least harmful on this list because it does not alter your mood or drastically change your brain chemistry for prolonged periods of time. But, apparently, it is the most shocking and the most taboo. 

Medication = Good→ Sometimes there are laws enforcing it.  

I believe all of these things can be good or bad depending on the specific person that it affects. Everyone is different and if you simply follow what pop culture’s opinion is on these issues without looking into them further, it shows ignorance, a lack of curiosity and exploration, rigidity, and a propensity towards the judgement of others. It often signifies that the “Them” in question is too weak to think for themselves and to withstand society’s brainwashing. 

I will never think of cutting or drugs as “bad coping skills.” “Good coping skills” consist of talking about your issues and crying according to the “Them.” And according to the hospitals, CBT, and DBT, good coping skills include activities like aroma therapy and drawing. But what do these things do? Nothing. You need a release or a change in the state of mind. Talking about what upsets you is just reliving it all over again. Plus, what if you do not trust anyone enough to tell them what's on your mind? Crying is bullshit. I feel that it is pathetic for me to cry. That’s just how I feel. I have trained myself not to. So why should I do something detrimental to myself when I am already in distress? “Good” coping skills don’t really work and only the simple-minded buy into them. “Bad” coping skills shouldn’t be judged as bad or taboo just because others have all-or-none thinking about them when it's the only thing that helps some people.

Medication: Taking medication should be the mentally ill’s choice. Medication is not right for everybody; it is not always the best thing to do. Not everyone likes themselves on medication. Who are we to judge if a person is the “correct” version of themselves or not? Forcing someone to take psychiatric medications is rooted in a power and control structure that overshadows others. I believe that we should leave others alone when it comes to this and let them live how they want to live. Just because we’re mentally ill, doesn't mean we have to do what you want with our bodies anymore.

In conclusion, I believe individuals and society as a whole should look beyond the systems of the law, procedures in mental health facilities, standard practices of therapies, pop culture trends/rules , and societal norms to find each of our unique spots in this society. We need to rethink what is considered “unhealthy” and what is “healthy” and why we put actions into those categories. We need to be more open and steer clear of letting others dictate what we believe. I’m tired of being lectured and shamed. Let's move on together. 

[tidesreach]

if you could rewrite skam italia season 2 to more accurately represent bpd and its symptoms, what would you change?

The short answer is I wouldn’t really change anything. But the reasons for that require explanation, so buckle in, this is going to be a long one.

I think accuracy is a subjective term when applied to portrayals of mental illness. Because people have very varied experiences. So what would be an accurate portrayal of BPD for me might not necessarily be accurate for someone else. Since the revelation of Nico’s diagnosis and my various posts on the subject, I have had messages from numerous other borderlines. A lot of them – like myself – related to Nico in many aspects. But there are also some who didn’t – or who did in some aspects but not others. The fact of the matter is that it’s not possible to portray a disorder like BPD in a way that is wholly accurate and relatable to everyone in all aspects because people have such varied experiences. If you’re interested in another portrayal of BPD, I recommend watching Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. For me, some aspects are incredibly relatable – sometimes uncomfortably so – but others are not. But that doesn’t mean those aspects are inaccurate. Another portrayal of BPD is the film Girl, Interrupted (one of my absolute favourite films) – however, some people with BPD (myself included) relate less to Winona Ryder’s character, who is the character diagnosed with BPD, and much more to Angelina Jolie’s character. Like I said, it’s subjective.

It’s also important to note that though there are nine diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder only five are required for diagnosis. So one person could have almost completely different experiences to another. And even if you do meet all of the same criteria as someone else with BPD your symptoms may manifest in different ways. For this reason people’s experiences with BPD can be incredibly varied. I meet all nine of the diagnostic criteria (it’s like winning a really shit lottery) – so I have experience dealing with all of them, but how I experience them may be very different to the way someone else experiences them. As an example: people deal with fear of abandonment in different ways. Some people self-isolate as a way to avoid abandonment. Some people may appear “clingy” e.g. they will send constant texts and make frequent phonecalls. Some people experience what we call “splitting”. Some people experience all three. Basically, we all have our own individual experiences and there’s no one way to be borderline. Symptoms can manifest in so many different ways.

I’m putting this under a read more to save everyone’s dashboards because it’s quite lengthy. But if it interests you, I’ve listed the DSM-5 diagnostic criteria for BPD and how Nico’s symptoms accurately fit into that.

The nine diagnostic criteria for BPD are quite broad and are as follows:

Frantic efforts to avoid real and imagined abandonment.

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships, often characterised by extremes between idealisation and devaluation (also known as “splitting”).

Identity disturbance: Persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

Impulsive behaviour that is reckless and potentially self-damaging (e.g. overspending, excessive alcohol or drug use, reckless driving, unsafe sex, binge eating, spontaneous decision-making, the list goes on).

Recurrent suicidal behaviour or ideation and/or self-harm.

Emotional instability (intense mood swings) e.g. intense episodic dysphoria, euphoria, irritability, or anxiety that can last from hours to days

Chronic feelings of emptiness and loneliness

Intense anger or difficulty controlling anger

Stress-related paranoia or severe dissociative symptoms (feeling disconnected from the world, or your own body, feelings, thoughts and behaviours)

It’s difficult to know how many of the criteria Nico meets as we have very limited background information to go on. After all, this is Martino’s season. Everything we see of Nico is in relation to Martino. Which makes it even more difficult to portray something like BPD. We have no inside knowledge of Nico’s thought processes, his past behaviours or what led to his diagnosis (hey, Ludo, can we uhhhhh get a Nico season please?). But he has to meet at least five of the above criteria to have been diagnosed. From what we have seen, the five he definitely meets are:

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment (the back-and-forth with Marti, ignoring his texts then telling him he wants to be with him, freezing Marti out after his ill-advised comment on mental illness, going back to Maddi, the flipbook and the antidote, suggesting that he leave and his refusal to let Marti look at him when he was in a depressive state).

Impulsive/reckless behaviour (breaking into the pool at Halloween. Taking his mum’s car and driving to Bracciano. Milan in general.)

Emotional instability (I don’t think I need to give you specific instances here because his emotional instability becomes quite evident in general).

Chronic feelings of emptiness and loneliness (his speech about solitude in Nel Mio Letto explains this feeling perfectly).

Stress-related paranoia or severe dissociative symptoms (Milan, again).

He also shows clear signs of:

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships (his parents, Maddalena, probably his friends/the boy he liked from his previous school. But we have limited information on his interpersonal relationships outside of Marti – though that’s unstable for most of the season thus is a sign in itself – so whether there is a distinct pattern of unstable relationships is unclear at this point, but it’s very likely given what information we do have. Whether he experiences splitting or not is unclear, too).

Identity disturbance (when he asks Marti if he should get a haircut and a tux to meet his dad, when he proposes à la Love Actually, when he’s staring at his reflection in the hotel room window, when he’s rapping Earl Sweatshirt and boxing in the bathroom – these could all be signs of an unstable identity, but I wouldn’t categorically define him as having persistent identity disturbance since we don’t know if it is in fact a persistent symptom).

So, Nico meets at least five but very likely seven out of the nine diagnostic criteria. The only two he hasn’t shown any signs of are:

Recurrent suicidal behaviour or ideation and/or self-harm.

Intense anger or difficulty controlling anger

So, to reiterate, accuracy is subjective. Nico’s symptoms were incredibly relatable for me personally. They’re just not the only symptoms and not the only way symptoms can manifest. Like I said, I experience all nine of the diagnostic criteria. So it wasn’t even a 100% accurate portrayal for me because I experience other symptoms too (splitting, anger/rage, suicidal behaviour and self-harm, among others). But I did relate a hell of a lot to the symptoms Nico did experience and the way he experienced them. I’m also incredibly grateful they didn’t focus on the suicidal aspect because there’s a lot of stigma surrounding BPD in regards to suicidal behaviour being manipulative, and if not handled well it might have been counterproductive. It was so important to me to have such a hopeful portrayal for that reason, because we are often portrayed in a terrible light.

I think the main thing that confused people regarding accuracy was Nico’s episode in Milan. Because it looked similar to Even’s manic episode in the OG. Which I understand. But it wasn’t the same thing. Many people with BPD, myself included, experience psychotic symptoms. Psychotic symptoms such as severe paranoia, hallucinations, depersonalisation, derealisation or distortion of beliefs and perceptions aren’t uncommon (there are a bunch of studies on this if you’re really interested, because health professionals are still trying to determine the cause and frequency of psychotic symptoms in BPD patients). They’re generally triggered by stress. I’ve experienced brief episodes of psychosis on and off for years. This is what Nico experienced in Milan (triggered by the stress of his parents and Maddalena trying to control him) – Nico truly believed that he and Marti were the last two people on Earth. To me, his episode looked like severe dissociation leading into brief psychosis – or psychotic symptoms, if you will (episodes of psychosis in BPD tend to be brief). So while I understand that it was confusing, it was, in fact, a fairly accurate portrayal of psychotic symptoms in BPD. I had a far more severe reaction to Nico’s episode than I did to Even’s because I saw so much of myself in him. Would it have been helpful to portray Nico’s psychotic symptoms in a way that wasn’t so similar to Even’s manic episode? Absolutely. But the fact remains that it was accurate and it made sense in the context of the season and the metaphor that Nico got caught up in of him and Marti being the last men on earth. It wasn’t random, it was cleverly interwoven.

Sorry for how long this got, but I felt like to answer this question required some explanation. To summarise, I actually don’t think I would change anything. There’s a reason I relate so much to Niccolò. But I don’t contest that others with BPD might not have found it as accurate a representation as I and others do. That’s absolutely their right. Because symptoms are incredibly varied and we all have our own individual experiences.

[gossamermoonglimmer]

Sorry if this is too personal of a question. You don't have to answer this if you don't want to. How was your overall experience in the mental hospital?

     hello! it is not too personal of a question :) I’m really open about my experiences with mental health and the hospitals I went to.

     the first time I went, I was having a terrible time with my friends and had just experienced a breakup that was really painful and messed up. This was before I knew that I had bipolar disorder and needed different medication to effectively treat my intense suicidal/depressive episodes. I had known I was doing really poorly for a while, and due to some circumstantial stuff i decided to voluntarily go to the hospital to see if i could get my (mostly passive) suicidal ideation to go away and get away from the pain that was causing me to spiral so hard. to be honest, I probably could have gotten through without going that time, but I didn’t want to wait and find out if I could or not. Better safe than sorry. I went to my local ER and basically just told them that I was having suicidal thoughts and felt I may be a danger to myself. They asked a lot of questions, mostly involving whether I had a “plan” and questions about my general mental state. I had to stay there for a good five hours before they were able to connect me to a youth psyche ward that had an opening relatively close to where I live; a nice escort drove me there from the ER. I didn’t like the van. It was uncomfortable and scary and had bars on the windows. It made me feel like a crazy person.

     The first psyche ward I went to sucked, to say the least. It felt like a childrens’ asylum. The food was disgusting, the cafeteria was disgusting, the beds and bedrooms and walls were disgusting. Everything just had a layer of grime on it. A lot of my ward-mates were grumpy or aggressive or mouthy. I had one friend named Katy. She was sassy and had a crush on every male nurse. She taught me how to make those cool rubber band bracelets. i did a lot of that. We could color, read, do puzzles, or play games, and that was pretty much it. i only stayed two days. My parents came for one of my therapy/evaluation sessions and the other was alone. They didn’t prescribe me any medications or change the meds i was on and didn’t change or add to my diagnoses. I left not feeling any better or worse than before.

     The second time I went was a few months later. Basically, I had my first true manic episode and did a lot of stupid things at my birthday party. my self hatred spiked and my will to live plummeted so off to the ER i went again. my brain was way worse this time. This time the placed I got sent to was incredible. all the kids were welcoming, the staff was wonderful and silly and kind, we got to watch movies on Saturdays and Sundays a pastor would come in to talk to any kids who were religious and wanted to. You could get a cookie from the nurse behind the desk in the common room twice a day and you could get a pair of hospital socks at any time, because it was a rule that we always had to have socks on so they gave them out free. there was a mini fridge with snacks and drinks. One time there was a whole bin of those gas-station chocolate chip cookies, but most of the time it was apples or crackers and cheese or carrots or something. The cafeteria food was INSANELY good. I made tons of friends. We got to go outside all the time and draw with chalk. I was allowed to play my ukulele in the front room with the nurses watching and everyone would sing with me and it was awesome. Honestly, i was struggling really badly but I had a good experience overall and I healed so much. Therapy really works for me in some ways. We also had group therapy sessions a few times a day but they weren’t required. We did music-art therapy where we painted how songs made us feel for group once, and it was lovely. Every morning, a big guy named stacy woke us up by playing “peanut butter jelly time” or “the banana song” on his phone. There were so many wonderful people there, several of which i still check up on today. 

     I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 by a really nice lady (I felt very seen and heard by her) and was taken off the meds I was on and put on new meds that ended up helping me for a long time. i was discharged and feeling much better and less suicidal and hopeless after about a week and a half. I was really sad to leave the friends I had made in there. We weren’t supposed to exchange information about ourselves, but they gave us composition books and didn’t check them so we wrote down our names and numbers and stuff. That experience was amazing and I know the psyche wards arent usually as good to adults but youth psyche wards can be amazing and really healing or, like my other experience, awful and trapping and yucky. It depends on where you go. Sorry this was so long, hope it helped!     

[alagaesia-headcanons]

Morzan AU

Listen, I know that my inbox is full of unanswered asks but I got this au in my head a couple days ago and I can’t get it out of my head.  I have a lot of thoughts.  Thus this nearly 4000 word post.  Don’t worry I put a read more.

but seriously i slaved over this please reblog

Basically the premise of this AU is that, due to some slight changes in Morzan’s circumstances and character, he’s able to develop and gain depth as a character.

Here we go!!

-Morzan isn’t the first Rider to join Galbatorix, but instead starts to follow him after Shruikan has already hatched and Galbatorix has started his war on the Riders.

-As a result, he spends a lot less time with Galbatorix who doesn’t get the chance to fan the flames of his arrogance and bitterness nearly as much as he does in canon.

-He’s the youngest Forsworn by quite a margin and more inexperienced than the rest.

-Morzan still fights with the Forsworn in the battle on Vroengard, but with less success.  Morzan is grievously wounded in the fighting and his dragon is even worse.  After the Forsworn win the battle, he begs Galbatorix to help heal his dragon.

-Morzan gave the help he could in the battle, and then fell to one of the older Riders, which is all that Galbatorix really expected of such a green, untried Rider.  Upon seeing the sorry state they’re in, he leaves them for dead, considering it more effort than it’s worth to heal them.

-Morzan’s dragon dies and but Oromis manages to heal Morzan when he arrives to try to find Brom.

-It’s not stated by the book which Forsworn killed the first Saphira, but for the sake of this AU, I’ll specify that it wasn’t Morzan.

-Oromis brings both Morzan and Brom back to Ellesmera.  He keeps them both separate, a decision he’s grateful for after Brom wakes up.  The death of Saphira drives him mad, and he sets himself against Galbatorix and the Forsworn with a manic fervor.  He leaves Ellesmera as soon as he can without ever realizing that Morzan was there.

-In contrast, the death of his dragon steals all of the fight from Morzan who falls into a major depression.  He virtually never leaves his bed, much less his room.  He eats little and sleeps less.  He ignores all of Oromis’s and Glaedr’s attempts to talk to him.

-He often wonders why he doesn’t just die like so many Riders do after losing there partners, but whenever he considers it, something stays his hand.  He can’t figure out why.

-One day, as he half listens to Oromis talking to him through his door, he hears him say “Galbatorix”.  He abruptly remembers watching him stare down at him and his dragon bleeding on the ground with contempt in his eyes and turning around and walking away.  A hot flash of anger and vindictiveness runs through him.

-It’s the first thing he’s truly felt in so long and he clings to it.

-Oromis is shocked when Morzan comes out of his room the next day and asks him if there’s a way he can help defeat Galbatorix.

-He looks at least 20 pounds lighter than he was before the battle and his voice is a ragged whisper from lack of use, but his black and blue eyes are more intense than they had ever been.

-After many long conversations with Oromis, Glaedr, and Islanzadi, several oaths in the ancient language, and a search of his mind, it’s decided that Morzan should go back to Galbatorix in Uru’baen and play the double agent, pledging himself to his cause while collecting information for the elves.

-And he does.

-He throws himself at Galbatorix’s feet and begs for forgiveness for his failure on Vroengard and for a second chance to prove himself.  Pleased as ever to receive subservience and control over another, Galbatorix accepts.

-With nothing else to live for, Morzan throws everything he has into his task.  He spares no effort and leaves no chance unexploited.  He acts his role flawlessly and collects no small amount of very valuable information.

-For a while, Morzan just reports back to Ellesmera, but as the war starts to settle and Brom forms the Varden, they decide that he should report to them as well.

-Brom is furious when he learns about Morzan.  More than anything, he can’t comprehend why they would trust him again after everything.  He betrayed them to Galbatorix and the Forsworn; how could they know that he wouldn’t do it again?!  They were the ones who killed Saphira!  He had adored Morzan, always been his friend, trusted him more than anything, and he threw that in his face!  Damn it, he had even loved him!  How could they trust him now?!

-In the end, Oromis convinces him that Morzan won’t betray them, if only because of the oaths he swore.  Brom doesn’t have to forgive him, or even interact with him, but he should take the intel all the same.

-The Varden makes much better use of it than the elves ever did.

-This continues for 40 some odd years during which Brom lets go of some of his animosity and distrust after Morzan’s information checks out time after time after time.

-These years are less kind to Morzan, still living in Uru’baen underneath the thumb of Galbatorix.  The king never cares for his servants and underlings more than a soldier cares for their spear; they’re simple tools for him to get what he wants.  Morzan isn’t spared any of the king’s bountiful cruelty.

-Combined with the stress of walking the razor thin line of a spy, Morzan wears down harshly.

-He figures that this is the way it will be until eventually something goes wrong and he dies.  The thought doesn’t bother him.

-Until, one day, through a stroke of pure luck, he learns the location of the three stolen dragon eggs within Uru’baen.

-A month of extremely frantic and dangerous planning later, Morzan has his things prepared for a flight to Farthen Dur and heads down to the vault with the eggs.

-The spells around the eggs are even more complicated than he was worried they’d be and undoing them takes much longer than he was counting on.  He only manages to free two of the eggs before he’s alerted to someone coming near and has to get out.

-Brom gets the news that Morzan was seen entering the valley leading to Farthen Dur with a dragon and Rider hot on his tail.

-Brom intercepts Morzan in the valley and brings him to a side entrance to Farthen Dur, a tunnel so small that Morzan’s horse barely fits, heavily disguised by both magic and the environment.  They didn’t want one of the Forsworn to discover their front entrance after all.

-But Brom is shocked by his appearance.  He always remembered his eyes shining with energy and force.  Now they’re dull, so dull.  Despite exhaustion, his whole body is tense, and the way he moves speaks of deep seated pain.

-The fact that he just spent the last two weeks running from the most powerful people in Alagaesia with virtually no sleep doesn’t help either.

-They finally make their way to the Varden leader.  When Morzan opens his pack to reveal two gorgeous dragon eggs, one blue and one red, Brom sees a spark of that energy he remembers in his eyes.

-When Morzan tries to stand up to get to a bed a minute later, he collapses.

-There’s no open room close to them, so Brom drags him, with much complaining and swearing, to his own room and drops him on the bed.  Morzan manages to say half of a thank you before he falls asleep.

-They give him a day before waking him up to give a report.  For the first time, Morzan meets the people he’s been reporting to all these years.  The meeting goes on for hours and he gives everything he learned since his last messages before he stole the eggs.  He notices the hostile glances the Varden members send him when they think he’s not looking.  Part of him’s angry; for all these years he’s risked life and limb to help them and they still don’t trust him?  Another part of him thinks that he deserves nothing less.

-The meeting ends and Brom watches Morzan stumble into the hallways of Tronjheim.  He has to shake himself to get his focus back on the notes of Morzan’s report.

-A couple hours later he goes back to his room with his arms full of parchment wanting to get some work done from the comfort of his own desk.  But when he opens the door, he sees Morzan asleep on his bed.

-Suddenly irate, Brom throws the parchment down on his desk and marches over to the bed.  He vigorously shakes Morzan who wakes up with a jolt.  Brom’s ready, iching, for a fight; the Morzan he knew would be furious at him for waking him up like that.  But this Morzan just blinks up at him with a frown.  His anger abandons him but he still says “You’re in my bed.”

-Muttering, he explains that, since he woke up here, he figured this was where he was supposed to stay and that if he told him where he could find a free room, he would leave.

-But Brom can see just how much trouble he is having keeping his eyes open and tells him he can stay until Brom finishes his work.  Then he’s getting woken up and kicked out and he’s getting his bed back.

-Turns out Brom doesn’t need to wake him up.

-An hour later, he hears Morzan shifting on the bed behind him.  He turns around and sees him with a mask of pain, tense as a bowstring and twitching sporadically.  “Please” and “Don’t” fall from his tongue.  After a moment's hesitation, Brom is shaking Morzan awake again, much more carefully than the first time.

-He wakes violently and shoves Brom away from him, crashing into the headboard while trying to scramble back.  He recognizes him a moment later and covers his face, breathing harshly.

-After a minute, Brom tells him where he can find an open room and Morzan leaves.  They don’t talk about it but they don’t need to.  It said a lot on its own.  Brom is left feeling uncomfortably aware of what this man who he’s hated so much has suffered in order to help him.

-Brom resolves then to not avoid Morzan.  He still insists that he doesn’t actually like him, but he knows that he’s the only person in Tronjheim that Morzan knows, and the least he can do is be civil.

-The chilly formality between them in the beginning slowly warms up as they start to get reacquainted with each other.  Though somewhat darker than it once was, they find themselves bantering like they did when they were students together.  Morzan maintained his pride but he let go of his arrogance and Brom found himself thinking that, despite going through strenuous, distressing things, he’s changed for the better.

-He shakes his head.  He loved this man once, and look at where it got him.  He’s not doing it again.

-Morzan starts smiling from time to time and Brom’s heart skips and he curses himself.

-Tensions start building between the elves and the Varden on the subject of the dragon eggs.  Brom believes they should be split up, perhaps switched on occasion.  Morzan knows that’s the wisest thing to do, but when he was running from the Empire, he grew fiercely protective over the eggs and he hates the thought of giving them up.

-They’re in Brom’s room, hunched over some papers on his desk when it comes to a head.  They start shouting at each other about the problem and then about each other and then they’re just screaming insults at the other.

-They wake up in bed together the next morning  (Decidedly naked.)

-Morzan promises that he will support Brom’s plan for the eggs if he can get just one last kiss.  Brom thanks whatever God is listening for his good luck; he’d pay that price in a heartbeat.

-And he does.

-The three elven ambassadors take one of the eggs to Du Weldenvarden and the other stays with the Varden.  Every year, the two would be swapped.

-With all of the immediate problems solved, Brom and Morzan start to get antsy.  There’s not enough work to keep them both occupied and they start to get paranoid about the glances from other people, worried that they might find out.

-It’s Brom that finally brings up what they’d both been thinking: that they should pack up and leave Farthen Dur and the Varden and start to fight the Empire more directly.  Morzan gives him a grin filled with wicked mischief.  “I thought you’d never ask.”

-They strike out across Alagaesia wreaking havoc on the Empire like no one ever had before. They hunt down the Forsworn as no one had dared do, they steal, assassinate, and sabotage.  The action, as well as each other, drives away the listlessness that had been building up in them both for years.

-While in bed together, Morzan confesses that for decades the only reason he had to live was spite.  Damn him if he doesn’t survive to see Galbatorix destroyed.  But Brom had changed everything.  He hadn’t felt alive like this since his dragon died.  He had forgotten what it felt like to have something else to live for.  To love and be loved.

-In turn Brom tells him that rage was the only thing that fueled him for so long.  And once he was with the Varden, his immediate responsibilities was the only thing that got him out of bed in the morning.  Whenever he thought about the future ahead of him, he couldn’t bear the thought of living through it all.  He says that it’s much easier to get up in the morning when you wake up with someone at your side.

-Morzan’s surprised; Brom always seemed so committed and zealous to him.  He has to remind himself that Brom had the other half of his life torn away, just like he did.

-Once, Morzan idly mentions that he thinks it’d be nice to have a kid.  Brom agress.  The don’t say it aloud, but they know it’s not something they can do.  Their lives are too dangerous.

-They talk about it occasionally though, mostly just coming up with and laughing about ridiculous baby names.

-They move around a lot, but they will sometimes settle in one place for a while so that they can focus on longer jobs.

-They’ve settled close to Gil’ead when, one day in the city, Morzan’s distracted by the reek of blood coming from an alleyway.

-This isn’t all that unusually, all of the larger cities suffer a lot of crime, but his heart stops when he looks around the corner and sees a child lying in a pool of blood.

-He rushes in and examines the child, only a toddler, and the horrific gash across his back.  Brom gapes when he sees.  As Morzan raises his hands to start healing him, Brom insisted that he do just enough to ensure his safety and then they could take him back with them and finish then.  Getting caught using magic here could mean the death of them both.

-Brom keeps watch as Morzan works.

-They both work to heal him after they get him home, but the wound is harsh and neither of them are as strong a magician as they were with their dragons.  They can’t fix the awful scar the wound leaves behind.

-They both agree that they need to take the boy back to his family as soon as he’s strong enough.  He deserves to be home.

-But when he wakes up the next day, they learn his family was responsible for this, a drunken soldier too fond of his sword.

-And when the little boy looks up at them and whispers with a voice full of fear and pain if they were going to send him back, Brom and Morzan say “Of course not” at the exact same time.

-His name is Murtagh.

-Murtagh is extremely timid and quiet but Brom and Morzan do their best to coax him out of his shell.  The explain that they don’t mind at all the things that his old family would hurt him for.  It breaks their hearts when Murtagh confesses that he covers his mouth when he smiles in case his father would see him and hit him for making fun.  Brom is barely able to stop Morzan from tracking down the one responsible that night.

-But slowly he starts to warm up to his self appointed parents.  He starts to smile and laugh and play outside.  He starts to sleep better and looks less pale and tired.  Brom and Morzan love him more than they thought they could love anything.  It reminds them of the bond they once shared with their dragons.

-Five months later, Brom answers the door to find and heavily pregnant woman standing in the cool night air, pleading for a place to sleep.  He lets her in and asks as courteously as he can why she’s travelling in her condition.  She admits that she’s trying to find a home for her child; she’s been trying for months but no one is willing to take them in.

-When Brom asks, she insists that if she takes the child back to where she must return, they won’t survive.  She refuses to say anymore.  She meets Brom’s eye and asks him if his has room for a child in his home, if he can raise the child she cannot.  He shares a glance with Morzan.

-Two weeks later she gives birth to a little baby boy and names him Eragon.  She leaves as soon as she’s strong enough.  They never see her again.

-Raising an infant proves much much more difficult than a three year old.  They both have to drop all of their rebellions against the Empire in order to take care of Eragon as well as Murtagh.  It doesn’t bother them though.  This somehow feels more important than that ever was.

-Although, once Murtagh and Eragon get a bit older, sometimes one of their fathers will leave for a couple of weeks, promising that they’ll be back as soon as they can.  They always keep those promises, and smother their children with kisses as soon as the return, but they never really say what they were doing while they were gone.

-Brom and Morzan start to train them with swords and bows when they get old enough.  They know that there’s always a chance that they could be discovered and Murtagh and Eragon need to be able to defend themselves.  They’re immensely proud of the exceptional swordsmen that they grow to be.

-The thing that Brom and Morzan disagree about the most when it comes to their sons is if/when to tell them about their pasts.  Brom insists that they as long as nothing happens, they never need to know, and that if they knew everything about their conflict with the Empire and their relations with the Varden, it would only put them in more danger.

-Morzan feels that they have a right to know the truth about them and once they’re old enough to understand, they should tell them everything they can about themselves.

-During one of several fights over this, Brom mentions that if they tell them, they could end up hating them.  Morzan snaps and demands “What difference would it make, if the only thing stopping them from hating us are our lies?”  He says they should have the right to hate them, to make that judgement, and that Brom is a coward for letting that stop him.

-There’s a truth to that that Brom isn’t willing to admit yet.

-So they leave the issue, but Brom knows that Morzan wants to tell them after they both reach manhood.  One way or another, they both know that there’s going one hell of an argument after Eragon turns 16.

-But a handful of months before that can happen, the family is woken up in the night by a loud bang.

-In a smoldering crater outside their doorstep is the blue dragon egg.

-For about a month, Brom and Morzan debate about the egg, how it got there, who might know about it, and most importantly, what they were going to do with it now that they had it.  But before they can come to a decision, the egg breaks open and the gedwey ignasia is seared onto Eragon’s palm.

-They steal as much time as they can to let the dragon hatchling grow before fleeing to the Varden, which is the only way they can keep Eragon and Murtagh safe now.

-The hatchling takes the name Saphira and Morzan holds Brom as he cries that night.

-About a month after the hatching, Murtagh spies two black cloaked figure in the distance, oddly contorted and staring right back at him.

-They all flee with their home burning in the distance.

-As Brom and Morzan start to properly teach Eragon to become a Rider, he confronts them angrily, insisting they tell him how they know all this and what is really going on.  Brom starts to dodge the question but Morzan cuts him off, saying that they should know.  They glare at each other and he says that he’s going to tell them.  When Brom doesn’t reply, Morzan starts talking.

-Brom keeps his back turned the whole time, too scared to see how his sons will react to the truth of his past.  Really, the first thing is shock.  There’s so much to process and Eragon and Murtagh aren’t sure how to feel at first.

-Neither of them reject them though.  Their love for their parents runs to deep.  Brom’s more relieved than he can put into words.

-I’ll skip most of the first book, just assume the major plot beats are the same, except neither Brom or Morzan die.

-When they reach the Varden in Farthen Dur, they learn from Ajihad about how Arya was ambushed while taking the blue egg from Du Weldenvarden.  They also learn that the red egg is still here in Tronjheim.

-When Morzan mentions his intention to test Murtagh with the other egg, he’s prepared to fight with Brom.  Brom has always wanted to shelter their children from this conflict and he figures that he’ll object to their other son being embroiled in it as well.  So Morzan’s shocked when he agrees.

-Brom explains that seeing Eragon with Saphira reminded him of how extraordinary the bond between a dragon and their Rider truly is.  And if Murtagh has the chance to be part of a bond like that as well, then he has no right to deprive him of that.

-Barely a heartbeat after Murtagh first lays his hand on the egg, the first crack appears.

-Morzan’s smile is so wide and full of pride.

-The Varden celebrates and rejoices in their luck.  Suddenly they’re in a better position than they’ve ever been in before to fight Galbatorix and the two remaining Forsworn, Formora and Kialandi.

And I’ll stop there.  This post is super long already and I’m not sure what changes I would make to the remaining books.  This AU is mostly pre Inheritance Cycle anyway.  But if anyone has any thoughts or ideas you should reblog or reply! seriously please reblog

[ittakesrain]

Track Your Shit

I sat on the couch in my psychiatrist’s office with my arms crossed and steam billowing out of my ears.

“Are you on cocaine?” he asked without a hint of sarcasm.

“No,” I shot back, completely bewildered but appropriately defensive.

“Then you’re bipolar.”

Yup. That was how I was diagnosed.  And to my memory, that was really the only major piece of information my psychiatrist gave me that day.  There was no supplemental information given to me, no sort of enlightenment or introduction into the all-consuming project that would be managing my difficult and sometimes debilitating condition, and I left the office with what felt like a really random label and a higher dose of Abilify.  I was nineteen years old, I was a chemistry major in college, I’d kicked the hell out of an eating disorder, and I was bipolar. The facts didn’t matter too much. Right?

Over the next several years, I really didn’t hear the word “bipolar” all too frequently, in or out of my psychiatrist’s office, despite the increasingly, uh, intense fluctuations in my moods and energy as well as steadily growing anxiety and irritability. Weird, am I right? For a diagnosis that impacts pretty much all aspects of a person’s life, in one way or another, to not be mentioned nearly enough times? There are more fitting words, but sure, we’ll go with ‘weird.’

By the time I graduated college, I knew my diagnosis was playing a larger role in my life that I originally assumed it would.  I started keeping track of when I took my meds (and with that tried not to miss any doses). I recorded my moods more frequently.  I did some cursory research into my disorder. And I finally started noticing patterns in my cycle and knew to watch out for specific warning signs.  And mind you, doing all of that was a pretty big accomplishment for someone who was given virtually no guidance. Not to mention a medication regime that was significantly lacking.

The first thing I realized was that my episodes often began with feeling “emotionally itchy,” or “like I want to rip my face off” and “jump out of my skin and out of who I am as a person.” Thanks to the knowledge I have now, I can use different language to describe what actually goes on as I inch ever closer to a major episode. I become incredibly irritable and experience what’s called “dysphoric mania.”  I have the racing thoughts and flight of ideas that come with manic episodes, meaning my brain is running at a million miles a minute and I can’t keep myself focused on one idea long enough to think it through, but it’s not what anyone would call a happy feeling (not that mania is to be confused with mere happiness). In my dysphoric state, I have too much energy, so much so that it physically hurts me as it swells from within me and threatens to burst open at any second.  I often cut myself in such a state because I need the assumed and metaphorical emotional release as well as the physical release of endorphins in response to injury.

Then I began to see that if I missed my meds for any period of time longer than a day or two, I felt the effects about two weeks later. If I forgot (or “forgot”) to take my Abilify for let’s say a full week, I’d be in the middle of a relentless and torturous depression in about fourteen days. Sidenote, I shouldn’t have missed ANY days of meds, but lo and behold, I wasn’t exactly warned all too well against it. But to see a pattern, to determine the cause of a specific (and dramatic) dip in my moods, was hugely influential in my life. Not to mention, it brought me to google how the medication I was prescribed actually works. And, spoiler, every single human being who is prescribed any medication at all should be aware of what the fucking medication does and how it works and all of that. Seriously. So important. Turns out Abilify is “long acting” and takes about two weeks to leave my system.

Furthermore, Abilify is a type of drug called an “atypical antipsychotic.” Those types of drugs are frequently used as mood stabilizers. They’re the second generation of drugs that you’ve probably seen being used on dramatic medical shows or movies about psychiatric hospitals that knock people who are acting “insane” out. They’re used as tranquilizers. Haldol is an example of one that works fast and Thorazine is an example of one that works somewhat slower. Those are called typical antipsychotics. Atypicals like Abilify have fewer side effects. They work to influence serotonin (the neurotransmitter sometimes called the “happy molecule”) as opposed to blocking signals from dopamine (the “pleasure and reward” neurotransmitter).

Right. So as you see I’ve become fairly well-versed in the goings-on of impending episodes and the key pieces of information surrounding them. Again, this is phenomenally helpful. But my point is that I should have been given this information from the get-go. I should’ve been prepared and taught, should’ve been armed with education given to me by a human being who knew what the fuck was happening to me and how bad it would potentially get if I didn’t have the fucking said information! I got there myself, and I’m damn proud of myself for doing so. And it still brings me peace of mind and a sense of control to research bipolar disorder, and learn new things about treatments and meds and biochemistry, and to work through my recorded moods and symptoms to find existing patterns or warnings. But for fuck’s sake, why wasn’t I told about the importance of recording the fluctuations or about psychoeducation as a tremendously powerful tool?

Alright alright, not going to continue dwelling on the past and how I was royally screwed (at least not in this particular blog post). Because as I look to the future, I know things will at the very least make more sense. I’ll at least be able to understand this bullshit and from there hopefully combat it better.

Which brings me to a few months ago as I began to embark on a new and more um, intense journey of self-discovery and understanding –which, in turn, is allowing me to feel significantly less dread about my eventual (and inevitable?) next episodes. It started when I wound up in the emergency room for the first time in October 2018 when a depressive episode took a terrible turn for the worse. I was 27 years old and at the end of my rope. Exhausted from years of worsening symptoms and my cries for help going unheard, my begging and pleading remaining unnoticed, I collapsed into chaotic despair.

The good that came from that particular visit to rock bottom was that I subsequently found a therapist (no, I hadn’t been in therapy previously and yes, that was really dumb) who is literally the coolest person ever, in addition to being really fucking good at what she does. And a few months after that, my amazing therapist helped me find a better psychiatrist, and from there we all began the arduous task of getting my act together and trying to stabilize the shitshow of my life.

As it turns out, since I was on a medication that didn’t do much for me for such a long time, my bipolar disorder was able to “mature.” To further develop and overall just get worse. Literally look it up. It’s a known thing that bipolar worsens if left untreated, and I absolutely feel that mine at the very least wasn’t being treated properly. Lucky me.

But since beginning to see my therapist in November and my new medication provider in February, I’ve learned like, so so so much. I know to stop and breathe when I start to get worked up, because I know I have gone for long periods of time without inhaling and exhaling like a functioning human. I know that I fidget around and repeat purposeless motions (“display signs of psychomotor agitation”) because it comforts me when I’m anxious. I know I have issues with control, with the desire to feel safe, with things that aren’t fair.

Also. Insomnia is a huge red flag for me and for the majority of bipolars. It’s both a symptom of approaching mania and a trigger for it. Meaning, when you start staying up all night long, you’ve gotta find a way to get some sleep before it gets worse and leads to an episode. It also means that you can’t voluntarily pull all-nighters (if you can help it) because that might land you in the middle of a manic break as well. And as if that wouldn’t suck enough, a despairing depression would most certainly follow the agitated (hypo)mania.

Alcohol is another one. Now, I’m not huge on drinking. I never partook in any of that before I was of legal age anyway (which is perhaps a testament to my nerdy younger self haha), and once I started drinking, I had trouble getting past the gross taste. I still do. But when I drink as an adult (which I haven’t done in a few months, mind you), I drink to get fucked up. So basically, I drink in a way that’s literally terrible for my bipolar. It’s a cycle, too.  I’ll have a bad day and come home and take five shots of fireball, and I get shitfaced so I have a terrible day the next day. It’s similar to insomnia in that it perpetuates itself and that I’ve gotta be responsible about it.

[On that note, by the way, I should say that maintaining stability involves quite a few key things (such as sleep hygiene, med compliance, the nutrition you fuel your body with, the way you move your body, being mindful and having the ability to focus on breathing, following pre-set routines, your support system, your coping skills and crisis-management tools, and your healthcare professionals…to name a few). It’s imperative to keep up with each thing to prevent all hell from breaking loose.]

I’ve also come to see that, for whatever reason, my major episodes usually have a definitive end but not a clearcut start. As in, I can identify the specific day my depression ends, but the irritability and frenetic energy and aggressive outbursts start out kind of slowly and increase steadily until my moods surrender into despondent melancholy. At this point, I believe the phenomena has to do with my tendency to ruminate and nearly drown in repetitive thoughts. I really struggle with redirecting my brain away from negatives. It could also be because of my coexisting ADHD, but either way, I can’t knock myself out of a bad mood as easily as most people can. So even something small going wrong has the potential to send me spiraling. I can’t think myself out of it. But I can easily make it worse –by ruminating and letting the negatives repeat like a broken record in my head. The decline, therefore, moves like a ball rolling down a ramp. On the opposite end of a “crazy spell” (as I called them way back in the day before I learned all this enlightening information) we have the ball being yanked back up as if it was attached to a string or something. As in, something good can happen that completely “snaps me out” of a major depression. It’s wild to think about. Like, fuck, why can’t more good things happen? Maybe then I’d spend less time wanting to die. I have, however, come to learn how to put myself in the line of things that have the potential to knock me off the crazy train. File that under “bitchin’ coping skills.”

Thanks to psychoeducation, I’ve also come to understand some of my personality traits. I’ve often called myself “volatile.” I fly off the handle fairly quickly, I accelerate from zero to 100 faster than the Kinga Ka roller coaster at Six Flags. My therapist calls it being reactive, and I prefer that phrasing now. My reactivity is part of my personality, but I understand it more clearly by looking at it through the lens of what I know about bipolar disorder. Similarly, in addition to reacting more, I react bigger. I guess some people might call it being dramatic, but again, I prefer to think of it in terms of how my therapist explained it: I’m wired intensely. I feel things in a bigger way. She once said something along the lines of “you can light up a city with your emotions,” and I don’t think she used the word emotions, but that was the gist. My intensity if a part of who I am. And honestly, as much as it can be super annoying and anxiety-producing, it’s not all bad and I choose to label it as a good thing.

Oh, and I pretty much knew this already, but I like to write/type because in my bipolar brain, the thoughts move more quickly than my mouth can move. It causes me to stutter, or stumble over my words, or lose my train of thought because I didn’t say something the right way and I can’t make my mouth move in a way to correct myself because I have fifteen thousand other thoughts flying through my mind and I can’t focus on any of it now. I exhibit pressured speech. Oh yeah, that’s one of my faves.

Thanks to psychoeducation, I’ve learned why I cling to my routines with a death-grip. Doing so is legitimately helpful to people with bipolar. Which is why going on vacation or starting a new job or a new chapter in life can throw bipolar people off in such grand ways. Circadian rhythms are screwy in us. We need to work hard to keep that shit in check. And the sleep-wake cycle and yes, routines, are part of that.

Okay then. With all of this knowledge being attained and a few more trips to rock bottom (and the emergency room) since October 2018…here I am. Still holding on, and doing better at that holding than I have in a while. A month and a half of normalcy without anything rocking the boat? I feel pretty damn good, thank you very much.

Oddly enough, stability can be just as scary for me as the complete and utter chaos of the rest of it. Like, now I have no excuses for not moving forward. Ugh, I have to move forward. But ya know what, I will. Because I’ve got the bipolar symptoms under control at the moment. There’s really nothing stopping me, so I’m sure as hell not gonna stop me.

Keeping records is absolutely fucking necessary. I’ve got no choice but to record my moods, anxiety, and irritability. I’ve gotta take my meds every fucking day and keep track of if I ever miss a day (which I shouldn’t). I need to write down other factors that play a role, such as my periods and when I have therapy and life stressors and stuff like that.

It’s taken, holy shit, so much work to acquire the awareness I currently have. And moving forward will require consistently working on what I know and actively seeking more information. But dude, I’ve come this far. I’m not gonna stop now.

[scripttorture]

I'm working on something set in the Star Wars universe. The charcter I'm writing with is being stalked by someone using the Force to induce nightmares, soon after he first hits REM sleep, leaving my character with about 90 to 120 minutes of anxiety spiked sleep a night for over six months. I know short term what this does to a person's body and mind, but long term, less so. Can you help me out with sleep deprivation as torture?

Iam very glad I invested in those new books on sleep. :)

Partof why this one (and the other ask focused on sleep deprivation) tookso long is because I felt I needed to do more reading in order toaddress them properly. And having done at least some of that extrareading- I think this is a good idea in terms of story potential butI think this scenario might be too extreme for the time frame you'reproposing.

BothNREM and REM sleep are necessary for continued health and well being.As well as, well life.

Bycutting off sleep at 90-120 minutes the body is being deprived ofhuge chunks of both.It’salso worth noting that the patterns of NREM and REM sleep atdifferent times of the night might well be doing different things.Experiments where researchers have interrupted particular chunks ofsleep at particular times seem to suggest different effects.

Allthe experiments I’m aware of that do that with people have beenpretty short term (the longest I’ve seen was a few days) andtorture/abuse scenarios don’t generally tend to focus on oneparticular type of sleep.  

Therearesome experiments on rats from uh- the days before ethics committeescared about rats. Researchers deprived rats of sleep until they died.Then they tried depriving rats of particular kinds of sleep to see ifthat makes a difference. Deprived of REM sleep rats die as quickly asthey do from total sleep deprivation. Deprived of NREM sleep ratsstill die, but it takes three times longer. Around 15 days and around45 days if you’re interested, (please be kind to rats).

Forhopefully obvious ethical reasons I’ve got no idea how this maps onto humans.

Myinstinct here is that the 6 month time frame is probably going to bemore important to the story then where exactly in the sleep cycle thecharacter wakes. I can see exactly where you’ve got the 90-120minutes from, it’s the first cycle of REM sleep. It’s alsotypically one of the shorter periods of REM sleep.

ButI’m not sure how survivable 6 months on 2 hours of sleep is.

Unlessthe character was already ill, injured or immuno-compromised then I'mnot sure it would be directly fatal. By which I mean- I don't thinkthey'd be dying from the kind of gut bacteria rapidly infecting theentire body in a lethal way that killed those experimental rats. Butthere's still a lot of ways that this extreme state of sleepdeprivation could more indirectly lead to death.

Forinstance it massively increases the chances of a heart attack orstroke in adults. And that chance rises still further the longer aperson is sleep deprived. The drop in reaction speed, processinginformation, working memory and coordination can all lead to seriousaccidents. Combined over the long term accidents are almostguaranteed.

I'vefound individual cases of real people surviving periods similar toyour character on similar amounts of sleep. But every case I've foundseemed to involve someone who was hospitalised for most of that time.

Youcouldplausibly have the character live but he’d need some prettyintensive care. Because of how agitated and emotionally volatilesleep deprived people can be (coupled with the memory loss it causes)I think he’d need to be watched round the clock. He’d need peoplethere to tell him where he was and why occasionally. He’d needpeople who could persuade him not to leave the sick room, not to dodangerous things or to just calm him down.

Thislevel of sleep deprivation for this time would effectively take himout of the story. If that’s what you want and the story is centredon other characters saving him, that’s absolutely fine. But if youwant this character playing a more active role then I thinkincreasing the length of time he’s sleeping nightly is going to benecessary.

I’vegot some suggestions for that I think could fit with the story idea,first I think I should talk about the likely effects of what you’vegot.

Ithink the first thing to really grasp is that there isn’t really aleveling out effect with sleep deprivation. There isn’t a pointwhen any of these factors stop getting worse. Not until the charactergets some sleep. In that sense it’s very much like starvation:there’s only one way to treat the problem and even then there’s arisk the damage already caused is too great for total recovery.

Inthe long term, ie after he’s able to sleep normally again and pastimmediate recovery, this character will still have a hugely increasedrisk of a whole host of problems. Cancer, virtually every sort, seemsto become more likely with sleep deprivation. Heart attacks, strokes,diabetes. Vaccines become less effective (sometimes ineffective) ifthey’re administered when someone is sleep deprived. Which can leadto problems later. There’s a decrease in fertility for both men andwomen. Increased risk of Alzheimer’s. There are also effects on theDNA some of which may be permanent. Most of the effects I’ve readabout are effectively ‘ageing’ the DNA, shortening the protectivetelomere caps on chromosomes. This means that changes may not bepassed on to children but I’ve not seen an epigenetic study on thesubject.

Theremight well be generational effects.

He’dcertainly be looking at a shorter life span generally.

Interms of when he’s actually being deprived of sleep. Well over thistime frame with this extent of sleep deprivation it would be prettycatastrophic.

Hismemory would… probably pretty much fail from a functionalstandpoint. He’d very quickly reach a point where he’s forgettingmost of the time he’s awake.

He'dbecome extremely emotionally unbalanced. Depressive symptoms, extremeagitation, aggression and anxiety are all common. Highs of positiveemotions are possible too, technically. But I've only ever seen thatdescribed in cases where sleep deprivation was voluntary. Sleepdeprived people don't tend to stay in one of these moods but havepretty severe mood swings between them. Unless they're alreadysuffering from a condition effecting mood.

Ifthe character has a pre-existing mental health problem this willprobably set it off. Sleep deprivation for one night has been shownto knock people with manic depression from a 'stable' emotional stateinto either a depressive episode or a manic episode. Sleepdeprivation has also been linked with increased suicide attemptsacross a variety of mental health problems.

Thelack of REM sleep in particular would effect his ability to processemotions. It stops us from...decoupling intense emotion from memory.That doesn’t just mean that negative experiences feel moreintensely negative for longer. It more broadly effects emotions and aperson’s ability to navigate them.

Italso interferes with our ability to accurately recognise otherpeople’s emotions. And when sleep deprived we tend to err towardsseeing other people as threatening.So we don’t just misread their emotions but we tend to read theworst possible intent.

Lackof REM sleep also effects creativity and problem solving. Buthonestly, given the extent of sleep deprivation here generally Idon’t think that would be distinguishable from the character’sother symptoms. His memory would likely be so bad that creativeproblem solving would be impossible anyway.

He’dprobably talk nonsense pretty regularly and he’d hallucinate. Mostsleep deprivation hallucinations I’ve heard of have been eitherneutral or negative. A lot of them sound pretty threatening andfrightening. And they’re likely to further feed into negativeemotional states.

Physicallyspeaking he’d have extremely slow reaction times. He’d sometimesfail to react completely. Within the first week I think he’dstruggle with fine motor control, things like doing up buttons. He’dget shakes. By the first month I’m not sure he’d be able to walk.

He’dget sick much more easily and even simple colds would have a muchbigger impact on him. He’d take longer to recover. Wounds wouldtake longer to heal and infections would be more likely.

He’dfeel more hungry and a lot of the food he’d crave would be fattyand sugary.

Ontop of all this sleep deprived people have been consistently shown tounderestimate the effect of not having enough sleep. Like drunks whoinsist they’re sober sleep deprived people thinktheyare capable of doing things they’re in no state to attempt.

AndI feel like it’s worth stressing that this ispainful. It’s a kind of pain that’s difficult to describe becauseit’s not really associated with anything other than lack of sleep.But it is pain. It is the marked lack of something essential to oursurvival.

Maybe this is exactly what you’re going for; it would be a good way totake a character out of the plot for a while. However if you want thecharacter playing a more active role then I think allowing him moresleep is essential.

Obviouslyyou want to keep the connection to REM sleep and dreaming (it’sgenius, you want to keep it). So I’d suggest rather than cuttingoff sleep at 90-120 minutes during the first short period of REMsleep at ‘cycle 1’, do so during the longer period of REM sleepat around 5-5 ½ hours in ‘cycle 4’.

Theselater cycles of REM sleep are longer and may be more intense. Easilydouble the length of time of the first REM sleep cycle. They’realso the periods of REM sleep that currently seem to be judged asmost significant.

Andthis would stillleave your character on death’s door in the time frame you’vegot, he’d just have a longer period where he could play a moreactive role in the plot.

Fivehours sleep a night, rather like some of the crazily extreme dietsout there, is incredibly damaging and very much normalised.

Forinstance, sleeping about 6 hours a night rather than about 8 raisesthe risk of serious injury in professional athletes from about 35% (8hours) to about 75% (six hours). That’s not ‘over a prolongedperiod’. That’s one night of missed sleep.

Aftersix nights the response time of someone who is regularly sleeping forabout 4 hours is at the same level as someone who didn’t sleep atall for a night. That’s an average drop of 400%. (From separatetests, someone driving on 4-5 hours sleep is almost four and a halftimes more likely to crash).

There’sa delightfulexperiment where a scientist squirted live cold viruses up the nosesof volunteers. Which showed that if someone slept an average of fivehours over the week before their infection rate was around 50%,whereas at seven hours or more the infection rate is around 18%. Asimilar level of sleep restriction (4-6 hours a night for a week)leads to a 50% drop in immune response to vaccines. And a singlenight on four hours sleep leads to a 70% drop in natural killercells.

Ander- testosterone levels fall to a degree that effectively ‘ages’men by 10-15 years.  

Practicallyspeaking what this wall of statistics means for your character isthat he’d be able to functionfor a good period of that six months. Perhaps as long as 3-4 months.But he’d show a noticeable drop in ability across- basicallyeverything.

It’sa drop that he’d gradually become acclimatised too. He’d probablyclaim that he’s ‘used to it’ and can do things again. Eventhough his actual performance would say otherwise. He’d also besubject to the same intense emotions and mood swings and significantmemory problems.  

Andas with the more extreme scenario every aspect would be getting worseevery day. Neither scenario has a 'leveling out' affect where he'sat a steady physical/mental performance. A long term sleepdeprivation story is about decline. What I'm suggesting here ismaking the decline less steep. Because the original scenario wouldvery quickly rob the character of his ability to remember, physicallyperform tasks, think coherently, communicate and survive.

Someoneon five hours of sleep for six months is probably also going to behallucinating, occasionally incoherent, unable to concentrate andparanoid by the end. But I think someone who was only sleeping fortwo hours a night could get to that stage in the first or secondmonth. One of the sleep scientists I've been reading compares theemotional and mental effects of sleep deprivation to severe mentalillness and from everything I can see he isn't wrong. The paranoiaand hallucinations are reminiscent of psychosis, the extreme moodswings are reminiscent of manic-depression. The upswing in suicideattempts is frankly terrifying, especially when put into the largersocial context encouraging long term lack of sleep. Sleepdeprivation, even in the relatively short term, causes structuralchanges in the brain.

Iwant to leave you with both options because I think that the'appropriate' level of sleep for this character is really dependenton your story and what you want the character to do. If you want thecharacter to be active in fixing the problem and able to communicatehis situation with any coherency beyond the first few days then Ithink you need to change how long he's asleep for. If on the otherhand you need him out of the story for a period of time and you wantother characters to fix the situation for him then the first scenarioworks perfectly well.

Ofall the books I've read on sleep and the lack of it recently, I thinkthe one most relevant to this ask (and most readable) is M Walker'sWhyWe Sleep(Penguin 2017). He doesn't explicitly reference every study he quotesbut he does give credit to the scientists who conducted the work andfurther details can be found by looking up their universities in mostcases. I think you'd also benefit from taking a look at some survivoraccounts of sleep deprivation. So far as I can tell none of thesurvivors in Monroe's book were sleep deprived and Alleg doesn'treally describe it in 'TheQuestion'.

Ithink the best book you could get hold of is an old Russian one byMenachem Begin called WhiteNights.I haven’t gotten hold of a decent copy yet but it’s one of thesurvivor accounts of sleep deprivation everyone references. For aninside view of what it feels like I think you should give it a look.

Ihope this helps. :)

Disclaimer

[iwillphysicallyfiteyou]

My Therapist, Dr. Logan Robinson (Prolouge)

Summary: Logan looks over his clients.

Pairing: None

CW: I’m going to be completely honest, if you need any content warnings then this probably isn’t the story for you. This is an entire series about mental health and addiction, so it’s going to have quite a bit of heavy content.

Just an FYI: Roman and Virgil’s forms are different because they are in different programs.

LOGAN

April 8th, 2019

I take a sip from my black coffee as I sit down on my desk. A breeze from the open window next to me causes me to shiver. I carefully set my coffee down and pick up a packet from a stack of papers on my desk.

Name (Last, First, Middle): Fairfax Roman Troy

Age: 20 Date of Birth: August 11th, 1999

Address: 39027 Wall Street

Orlando FL 32812

Work Phone: (407)456-3905 Cell: (407)576-2957

Have you been treated here before? Yes

What problem/s bring you to the Flordia Psychiatric Clinic: My manic depression and addiction are taking over my life.

Look at the pink sheet and write down any symptoms from that sheet that you are currently having problems with.

Irritability, anger, depressed mood, euphoric or elevated mood, mood swings, decreased need for sleep, anxiety, fear of losing control, weight loss, hearing or seeing things others cannot, and pressure to keep talking.

Have you received any inpatient or outpatient psychiatric care, counseling, therapy, or psychiatric medication management? Please describe below.

Date: June 6th, 2018 For what problem?: Mania What type of treatment?: Inpatient

Date: July 19th, 2018 For what problem?: Depression What type of treatment?: Inpatient

Date: October 7th, 2018 For what problem?: Mania What type of treatment?: Therapy

Date: October 11th, 2018 For what problem?: Addiction What type of treatment?: Inpatient

Date: December 12th, 2018 - December 21st, 2018 For what problem?: Addiction What type of treatment?: Outpatient

Date: March 6th, 2019 For what problem?: Anxiety and Depression What type of treatment?: Therapy

Date: April 7th, 2019 For what problem?: Addiction What type of treatment?: Inpatient

What medications have you been treated with?

Lithium, Anticonvulsant, and currently Risperidone.

Substance Abuse History

Substance: Coke Age Started: 16 Last use: April 7th, 2019 Amount: 65 mg

Look at your blue sheet. Write down any and all symptoms you have experienced.

Using in situations that could be dangerous (driving a car). Legal problems. Recurrent social problems. Needing more and more to get the same effect. Withdrawal symptoms.Taking more than you planned. Wanting, or trying unsuccessfully, to cut back or quit. Knowing that it was harming your physical or mental health and taking it anyway. Doing things that violate your own personal code of ethics (lying, stealing).

Weight and Eating Habits

Current Weight: 138 lbs. Highest: 155 lbs. Lowest: 138 lbs.

Are you happy with your current weight: No.

Do you have an intense fear of becoming fat? No.

Have you ever restricted your eating below 1000 calories/day? No.

Do you ever binge or lose control of how much you eat? No.

Do you ever intentionally vomit after eating? No.

Do you ever use laxatives, diuretics, or other drugs to lose weight? No.

Have you had a significant weight gain in the past 6 months? No.

Have you had a significant weight loss in the past 6 months? Yes.

Safety

Do you feel safe in your current environment? Yes.

If no, please state your concerns.

Look at your green sheet. Please write down any symptoms you have.

Dry mouth, nose bleeding, nasal congestion, headache, nausea, vomiting, and dilated pupils.

Looks like Roman is back inpatient. I really need to visit him today, I can probably fit in a visit at 2 pm, maybe at 4 pm if I have a lot of paperwork. I grab another packet.

Date: April 7th, 2019

Name (Last, first, middle): Finegan Patton Seth Age: 31

Address: 29574 Sunset Street

Orlando FL 32803

Work Phone: (321)645-3958 Cell Phone: (321)893-2934

What issue(s) bring(s) you to the Florida Psychiatric Clinic? Anxiety is getting in the way of work, social life, and home life.

What has been stressing you out of late? The thought of not being a good enough dad.

Look at your pink sheet. Please write down any symptoms you’re experiencing.

Loss of energy, appetite change, difficulty concentrating, anxiety, sleep problems, loss of interest in activities, feeling helpless/hopeless, upsetting reoccurring thoughts, and feeling guilty.

Have you been diagnosed with a mental health condition by a medical provider (if so, please list them)? Yes, generalized anxiety and depression.

Have you ever been seen by a psychiatrist or therapist/counselor? Please list and describe.

Date seen, and by whom:  Every Wednesday from February 13th, 2019 - April 3rd, 2019. Dr. Logan Robinson For what problem?: Anxiety and depression What treatment?: Therapy

Have you ever been hospitalized for psychiatric care? Please list and describe.

On October 9th, 2018 I was taken inpatient at the Florida Psychiatric Center.

Date seen, and by whom: October 9th, 2019 - October 11th, 2019. Dr. Kelly Johnson and Dr. Logan Robinson. Where, and for what?: Florida Psychiatric Center What treatment?: Inpatient

What psychiatric meds have you taken? Zoloft.

Substance Abuse

Have you ever abused ANY substances? No.

If yes, what was the substance?

Safety

Do currently have thoughts of hurting yourself? Yes/no Please explain.

Have you tried to hurt yourself in the past? Yes/no If so, please explain.

Burning arms and legs.

Have you tried to hurt anyone in the past? Yes/no If so, please explain.

Do you own any weapons? Yes/no

Patton’s back inpatient? This packet is pretty vague, I’m going to have to call the center to find out exactly why he’s inpatient. Or I could just go there and ask him, which seems like the best option.

I look back at the stack of papers before my eyes look onto a specific one.

Doyle is inpatient? Oh, he seems to be outpatient. But why is he on an outpatient program when it’s pretty clear that he doesn’t actually have an anxiety disorder, instead low functioning anti-social personality disorder? Why is he still my patient, I specialize in anxiety, not this.

Date: April 7th, 2019

Name (Last,first, middle):  Age: 25

Address: Drake Will Doyle

Work Phone: (407)495-2945 Cell Phone: (407)564-2049

What issue(s) bring(s) you to the Florida Psychiatric Clinic? Problems within home and social life.

What has been stressing you out of late? An inability to effectively communicate with others.

Look at your pink sheet. Please write down any symptoms you’re experiencing. History of violent behavior, problems at home, problems at work, relationship problems, irritability, anger, and poor impulse control.

Have you been diagnosed with a mental health condition by a medical provider (if so, please list them)? Anti-social personality disorder.

Have you ever been seen by a psychiatrist or therapist/counselor? Please list and describe.

Date seen, and by whom: Every other Tuesday from October 11th, 2016 - February 12th, 2019. Dr. Logan Robinson.  For what problem?: Anxiety What treatment?: Therapy

Have you ever been hospitalized for psychiatric care? Please list and describe. No.

Date seen, and by whom:  Where, and for what?:  What treatment?:

What psychiatric meds have you taken? None.

Have you ever abused ANY substances? Yes.

If yes, what was the substance? From ages 12 to 13 abused Zoloft.

Safety

Do currently have thoughts of hurting yourself? Yes/no Please explain.

Have you tried to hurt yourself in the past? Yes/No If so, please explain.

Have you tried to hurt anyone in the past? Yes/No If so, please explain.

Used to beat people up in high school.

Do you own any weapons? Yes/No

I’m not sure if this program will help him, but it’s worth a try I guess. I can definitely go down there to talk to him, but he also needs someone that’s specialized in this area. From what I can tell he wants help, he’s just not getting the right treatment for him.

I put his packet to the side and pick up the last inpatient/outpatient packet.

Interesting, it’s from a patient that I haven’t had yet. And he’s under eighteen, that’ll be new.

Demographics

Name of the person completing this form: Valerie Torres Barsotti

Relationship to the child: Mother

Child’s Full Legal Name: Virgil Zane Barsotti

Is there another name the child prefers being called? Virge

Child’s Date of Birth: 01/20/2004

Age: 15

Gender: Male

Race: Caucasian

Religion: None

Is the child adopted? Yes/No

If yes, are they aware? Yes/No

Who Lives in the Same Household of the Child?

Name                                 Gender      Age    Relationship to the Child

Valerie Torres Barsotti       Female       37       Mother

William West Barsotti        Male           39       Father

Joan Zach Barsotti            Nonbinary  17       Brother

What are the main concerns that you have about your child?

He’s extremely anxious and moody. He’s very dramatic and is too scared to talk to people. We have to bribe him to go outside of his room.

How long have you had these concerns?

Two years now.

What are your goals for treatment of your child?

To get him to be less anxious and scared, and to live life to his full potential.

Look at the purple sheet provided. Please write down any symptoms that apply to your child.

Sad or depressed mood, withdrawn from family or friends, loss of interest in activities or hobbies, feelings of guilt or worthlessness, feeling hopeless about the future, sleep disturbance, change in appetite, low energy or fatigue, trouble focusing or concentrating, irritability, fear of looking stupid or being embarrassed, habits the child feels they must do even if he/she knows it does not make sense, and thoughts, feelings or pictures that come into the child’s mind even if he does not want them to, easily loses temper, argues with authority figures, and easily annoyed.

Traumatic Experiences: Has your child had to go through anything traumatic? Yes/No

Medication

Please list any medications your child is currently taking: None.

Please list any medications your child is has taken in the past: None.

Social History

Name of Child’s Current School: Lincoln High School

Current Grade: Sophomore (10th)

Did your child repeat any grades?: No

Is the child in any special ed classes?: No

Has the child ever been suspended or expelled? Yes

Does the child get bullied by peers? Yes

Has the child been arrested? Yes

What hand does the child prefer to use? Left   Right   No Preference

Interesting, Virgil will definitely be my first priority. Since I don’t have any sessions scheduled for today I can always see if I can miss the ten o’clock meeting so I can meet with him right away. Based off of the sticky note on the packet he seems to be technically outpatient, but it is during the school day so he’s going to be spending hours there every single day until they decide he’s stable enough to decrease his time there until he eventually leaves altogether.

Well, then it’s final, I’m going to call and cancel a meeting.

[solidburnreturned]

by popular demand, here is my oc chatter regarding stuff like relationships n random character traits. its rly long oops but i divided it by character at least lmao,, these are all things that i think id also wanna use if i ever use these characters as humans (which i def will at some point honestly)

- i thinkkkk i want toad and pike to date. toad would come across pike in their lagoon one day while hes wandering around on another wonked exploration and pike is like hey lol :B with their pointy teeth and long ass hair and toad is like :0 he just sits and talks with pike for hours and comes by a few times a week to hang out with them. they fall in LOVE

- fred and lani are def gonna date too. two butches who use he/him pronouns fuck yeah? they have a powerful relationship. mega BDE. power couple. not a lot of pda but alone together theyre both very loving and tender, its a vulnerability thing for both of them. like lani is very cool and can be either stoic or borderline obnoxious while fred is punkish. fred is very head over heels for lani tho 

- mardi n berg.....complicated....i gotta figure out how they actually end up together. berg is a jogger and mardi is a piercer/tattoo artist so that doesnt....make them line up very much in that department. ill think about it more and figure something out. itll probably have something to do with berg’s nose stripes and eye rings

- also side note on mardi......i want his backstory to include a grey period set off by his brother being eaten when they were both young at the troll tree. like he becomes angry and depressed, sorta like branch, his tattoos that he gives himself the only color on his body, until he learns to let go and his colors come back (high key this was inspired by 21 savage, mardi’s voice claim, and the line in his new song A Lot “my brother lost his life and it turned me to a beast”). ill develop this idea further but i just wanted to get it written down

- bismuth.......unsure. they had a crush on pepper and kept trying to ask her out until she came out to them as a lesbian, then they were like :’) but theyre ride or die theyre not gonna be an ass to her because they cant date her. they just care a lot about her. its like icarly

- gazpacho and jupiter CUTE two small trans trolls in That Love. i need to develop them more but. theyre just cute 

- talia is still a little too new for me to develop her......but im thinkin about it...

- kinda same with ernie and olive. they kinda mostly just exist as cute babby characters right now? if anything olive is a trouble maker and ernie is a chatterbox

- clem and thursday also fuckin cute as hell......clem was a nervous wreck asking thursday out but theyve been together like ever since, which is more than a few years. they have a rly cute gentle lovey dovey relationship. thursday is usually hanging around up on her gf’s shoulder giving her kisses on the cheek

- bea and crystal.......adorabl relationship......crystal is another character thats kinda nervous but bea is so chill n confident is helps calm her down. theyre both trans and love the hell out of each other. rly slow n steady relationship, bea is very patient

- pj and marcus!!!! dumb mlm rep relationship. pj is so so gay for marcus he can barely comprehend it. its a dumb ego boost for marcus but hes also very in love with pj, he just expresses it in a weird cocky way idk marcus is a nerd. i need to make more content for them i think about these two way more than it seems

- dwight!! he has a boat. he lives on the boat.....ive thought about maybe pairing him with toad and pike. deciding on his voice claim has been the most difficult thing ever

- kass and current HELL yeah buff gf and tol gf......they spar with swords and wrestle for fun and hang out at the beach a lot. kass fuckin loves the gem on current’s back. i gotta make more content for them 

- celia......i wanna do more with celia. friends with berg probs theyre both sporty. shes just a sweet giant troll who loves mushrooms. i gotta pair her with someone whose palette goes nicely with her pastels 

- carrot and harriet are literally cricket and tilly from big city greens just older. yeehaw siblings. havent thought about relationship stuff with harriet yet.....i think she also needs ANOTHER redesign her colors are just too heavy still. maybe if i can make her colors compliment celia’s that could work as a pairing? hm hm.....carrot tho is dating ford’s oc rye theyre gentle country gays

- rainer. hm. i dont think theyre rly the dating type......theyre just chill with being them. they just wanna swim and be funny

- hammond and andromeda are probs two of my least developed characters.....hammond still needs a redesign. he might be cute to pair with walter, theyre around the same age. andromeda tho i have no idea. she might be a nice pairing with eve? if i ever feel like pairing her with someone...who knows. eve is very carefree and might find andromeda’s energy too intense

- radish i wanna make more content for!! i rly like her a lot....i think shes another troll who isnt interested in dating. shes very focused on being a chef instead. loves her friends a lot!

- mack and pepper 2gether 4ever obvs......they have a relationship that gets richer with age for sure

- im just gonna ramble about mack. i thinkkkkkkk i wanna make her half latina? columbian specifically. she doesnt quite read as white and i didnt make her with the intention of making her white. anyway i love mack a whole lot and should really develop her backstory more. its not rly as like...””tragic”” or whatever as pepper’s i know that but she def has layers. i wanna give her whole family more depth. she has a very complicated relationship with her own feelings and motivations that i need to think about more fully. my powerful femme tho i lov her

- mack’s parents, robin and champagne, i need to like....think about them more. they have kinda a comedic relationship thats sorta inspired by roger rabbit and jessica rabbit. robin is a very caring, gentle troll who’s very smart and cares a lot about his nursing responsibilities in the village. champagne is very relaxed and the “voice of reason” character of the family. she loves a good party and has her party planning down to a science. both are very successful power parents. kickass family

- i already talked about topaz and marney in a separate post but i still love them both so much. big wesbiabs

- pepper....pebber. im gonna talk about her the most obviously gfhjdkrs i wanna talk about her mental health i feel like i think about it a lot but i never write about it explicitly? this is gonna be long oops hgjfksd she has depression and ptsd stemming from the trauma of her crash...im thinking she also has adhd and thats just something shes always had. her depression rly got heavy during her recovery and right after like...she hated being bed/housebound and felt rly powerless to her situation and just let it eat at her until her personality had actually changed considerably. like extroverted wild child rebel to introverted, soft-spoken sulker. this got better with time but she still is pretty introverted, just turned her moodiness into chill energy. 

- she has bad depression habits like letting dishes, old food, laundry, or just stuff pile up in her room until it gets overwhelming and she spends like two days just manically cleaning; or staying in bed for way longer than she should and messing with her hygiene; or eating way more or way less than she should eat in a day. just stuff thats hard to completely break out of when youre recovering. her color is pretty consistently the dark red but if shes having a particularly rough day she might look a little paler, or like a muddy brick color at her worst. thats kinda rare tho

- her ptsd is the thing she hates the most. for a while it made her feel very weak and she’d beat herself up over being traumatized by the crash which was obviously not helpful to her mental state but she was really all over the place during her bodily recovery. its part of the reason why she started working out, she wanted to reclaim some sort of feeling of strength and power that she felt she’d lost completely. she still gets really frustrated with this feeling of loss but she gets a lot of support from loved ones which has helped her not self-blame so much. her ptsd manifests mostly as nightmares/insomnia, chronic headaches/stomachaches, intrusive thoughts and sometimes flashbacks. the nightmares are what rly get to her, she really doesnt get a lot of good sleep and it can get to the point where she just doesnt want to sleep sometimes and she’ll stay awake until she crashes hard

- her scars used to be a big trigger for her ptsd, which is why she has her bangs covering the one on her face and wears long pants (her knee braces are too bulky for pants and would force her to wear shorts which would force her to expose her scars). she just. really really hates them. this is something she struggles with for a majority of her life

- once she and mack start going steady with their dating and start consistently sleeping in the same bed, pepper starts to sleep better. she still has nightmares that wake her up at least weekly, but having mack there to comfort her (whether she wakes mack up accidentally or if mack is already awake) helps a TON with getting her back to sleep soundly. it also just helps her sleep in general to have that comforting, loving presence in her bed snuggled up to her ;w; mack is a big help in general with pepper’s mental health, pushing pepper to make better, healthier choices and get out in the village more and have fun. mack for sure does not “”cure”” pepper of anything but shes a very positive light in pepper’s life that helps her pull thru tough times!

- i love all my goofy trolls so much. its so fun to just chill and blab about them to relax between working on big projects ;o; ty if u cared enough to read this whole thing ur so rad

[happiness4jane]

The Scariest Thing I’ve Ever Done

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Well, this is terrifying. Paralyzing almost. My hands are literally trembling as I try to punch the letters on my keyboard. When I allow myself to think about the people that might read this. People I know. People I work with. Students I teach. Students I’ve taught. My soon-to-be-in-laws. My exes. Their families (they’ll say, “I told you so!”). My friends. Their friends. My family. My children. All 836 of my Facebook “friends” are potential critics. And they’ll share it with even more people that might know me or will know me, that see me around and will avoid making eye contact with me in Walmart forevermore! When I allow myself to think about that – the people that might read this – every self-doubting, loathing, shaming, insecure demon inside me surfaces in protest. BUT… but. That’s the point, after all. For people to read this. To maybe help others claw their way out of the uncompromising, crippling, and degenerative grasp of the illness known as Bipolar Disorder (no, but seriously, this scares the shit out of me and I can’t breathe).

Here’s the thing though – I shouldn’t be ashamed of it. It isn’t fair we live in a society that shames people with mental illness into silence. That calls us “crazy”. We can’t just snap our fingers and make it go away (but, oh, if I could!). We can’t just act normal, act rational. It’s not something we can tame on command. And we didn’t choose this. Who would choose this?! Who would choose to leave behind a legacy of wreckage? Well, I don’t doubt there are some who’d choose that… As for me, when I think on all the destroyed relationships, the lost jobs, the unfinished projects and departed dreams, the reckless moments that would haunt me for years, the countless days stolen away by infinite darkness… the shame, the shame, the shame – I would never choose this. And yet, despite all the chaos and ruin and regret, it took me about twenty years to get help. Why? The simple answer is, I didn’t want to be Bipolar. I didn’t want people to think I was crazy (Ha! Like they didn’t already!). So, I refused to accept it. I refused to seek treatment. And it got worse. Much, much worse.

About seven months ago, after another life-is-amazing-and-I-don’t-need-to-sleep-and-I’ll-hyper-focus-and-finish-that-novel-and-train-for-that-marathon-and-FUCK!-you-better-stop-getting-in-my-way-or-I’ll-bite-your-damn-head-off-so-feed-yourself elevated state (Symptoms of a manic episode: increased activity, energy or agitation; decreased need for sleep; abnormally upbeat) followed inevitably by a crashing-into-bed-and-plotting-out-the-details-of-my-exit-because-I-just-can’t-live-in-this-world-anymore-and-I’m-worthless-and-horrible-and-you’d-all-be-better-off-without-me depressed state (Symptoms of a major depressive episode: feelings of sadness, emptiness, hopelessness; marked loss of interest in activities; fatigue; feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt; thinking about, planning, or attempting suicide), I sought the help of a counselor. So, what changed, you might be wondering? What made me seek treatment at this point, after shunning it for so many years? Well, it used to be that I had normal periods of time between the depression and the elevation. It used to be fun and ambitious and productive (euphoric but always beguiling) to be elevated. It used to be the depression came maybe a couple times a year. The unwarranted distrust and insecurity and ultra-sensitivity was fleeting. The suicidal thoughts were daunting rather than soothing. That’s what used to be. It was easier to pretend I was normal then. I was just eccentric! I was special! Like some of the greatest artists and inventors and individuals that made history. I was a mad genius just like Salvador Dali, Vincent Van Gogh, Charlie Chaplin, Ben Franklin, Sir Isaac Newton, Michelangelo (Symptom: exaggerated sense of self). I was able to ride that train of twisted thought for a long long time, because I could finish what I started then, because I was younger then, and there was always another job, another lover, another place that would accept me. But around seven years ago, that all began to change. The depression seized more frequently. The elevation became less euphoric and more agitated, even rageful at times – lashing out at and rejecting the people I loved most. I started projects but never finished them. It became more and more difficult to go to work, and when I got there, I had to convince myself out of the car and into the classroom. In the classroom, I felt like an alien. I couldn’t stay on track, couldn’t focus my thoughts (Symptom: rapid and frenzied speaking, racing thoughts). I felt like I was disconnected from everything around me, like I wasn’t real (Symptom: dissociation). And then over the past year, the episodes seemed to be crashing right on top of each another with no reprieve in-between. It was relentless, crippling. One day of unbridled energy followed by two days of extreme irritability followed by one day of bed-ridden depression and then rinse, lather, repeat. Weeks, months, a year like this. The darkness that occasionally consumed my thoughts mutated to a pervasive utter blackness – leaving a void where hope and happiness used to visit. My fiancé pleading with me to get out of bed. My 10-year-old son asking me why I was so angry. My six-year-old daughter saying, “Mommy’s sick again.” I hated myself. I couldn’t pretend I was perfectly healthy – just eccentric – anymore. I was sick. Very sick.

You see, Bipolar Disorder is a degenerative illness, and by denying myself treatment, I had enabled a progression into periods of rapid cycling, meaning I was basically Bipolar on steroids – my depressive and manic moods shifting in a constant unpredictable shitstorm. This is the way it was explained to me by my counselor (in much more eloquent terms). She said that in the same way progressive diseases like Cancer will eventually cause organ failure if left untreated, Bipolar Disorder gradually diminishes brain function if left untreated. Oh, did I mention this conversation took place just a month ago? And, perhaps you remember that I went to see her the first time about seven months ago? No, it didn’t take that long to diagnose me. It took that long for me to commit. I honored my appointments only twice before I disappeared for another two months and then for another five months after that (I was still battling my desperate desire to be “normal”). During those initial appointments, I either purposefully omitted the symptoms of my elevated states, or honestly didn’t know they were elevated states. Hard to tell. On the one hand, for most of my life the elevated states were something to look forward to. They were a tremendous relief since they often followed a long period of depression, or, they were a welcome rush of intense energy and focus and ambition after a period of normal moods and routines. On the other hand, there was a part of me that hoped, if I had to be diagnosed with something, that it be depression and/or anxiety – just not Bipolar, please, not that! For some totally illogical reason, having depression and anxiety seemed more socially acceptable to me. People posted about their depression and anxiety on social media. My students openly discussed their struggles with them in class. Lot’s of people are depressed and anxious! Poor reasoning but, I convinced myself that my elevated states were just “normal” times when I wasn’t depressed. After all, I didn’t behave like someone that was manic. I was nothing like Bradley Cooper’s character in “Silver Linings Playbook”! I didn’t suddenly become totally irrational. I didn’t spend everything in my bank account in some obsessed frenzy. I didn’t abruptly start making good on all my wildest fantasies and desires. I didn’t incoherently speed-talk and jump around from one interest to another. No, it was never that pronounced. Or, was it? I’d certainly been called Bipolar enough in my lifetime – and not in a concerned or encouraging way. More like I was being called a “crazy bitch”. It was a bad word. And I did spend [a lot] more money than I should when I felt “good”. Like, when I bought that boat with a personal loan on a 50% interest rate. Or, when I financed that international trip while negative in my bank account. And on all that professional camera equipment when I decided to be a video editor, and on this website two years ago when I decided to be a blogger (Perhaps, now, I’ll finally make use of it?). And the hundreds of dollars I invested in gear when I was suddenly inspired to run a marathon (but I did follow through on that one, thank you very much!). Oh, right, I guess I do jump around from interest to interest when I’m feeling “inspired”. I’m going to be a motivational speaker, no, a novelist, no, a personal trainer, no, a corporate trainer, no, a filmmaker, no, an entrepreneur, no… the list goes on and on. But these things felt so good. Even though I had to clean up the wreckage whenever I smashed back down on the pavement. The rubble of estranged relationships, busted bank accounts, retired jobs. So yeah, I went with depression and anxiety, masking the symptoms of mania. And I refused medication (because all I really needed to do was get my shit together, not numb myself with zombie-making pills). Until the progression to rapid cycling imprisoned me and I sulked, defeated, back into therapy five weeks ago.

After years and years and years of heartbreak and rejection and confusion and self-loathing and denial and protest, I began taking a daily mood stabilizer and seeing my therapist once a week. It took a couple weeks before there was any discernable change, and after four weeks, the change in my behavior was nothing short of striking. At that point, I realized I hadn’t been swallowed by the black void in three full weeks – a record time in nearly a year. I hadn’t lashed out in rage at anyone either. And the most surprising thing? I wasn’t the living dead. I had heard these nightmare testimonies about people with Bipolar Disorder beginning medication and going numb, like they’d been lobotomized, and that panicked me. I didn’t want to stop feeling, I just wanted to experience my feelings in a regulatory fashion. And I was, for the first time in years. Now, I want to be very careful not to sound like the poster girl for medicating. My strong belief is that we over-medicate in this country (but that’s for another post). No miracle has occurred. I’m not “cured”. In fact, there is no known cure for Bipolar Disorder. It can be managed, with a combination of medication and psychotherapy. Some days are better than others. But every day, I still battle my demons and the life-long conditioning of patterns, emotional reactions, and behaviors. My recovery is a continuous journey where no arrival point exists. But I have hope today. I wake up motivated to get out of bed without needing the boost of mania. I carry out the responsibilities and routines of the day without fighting off panic or becoming despondent. I fall asleep without the “lulling” melody of my own death dancing around my thoughts. Yes, I still get anxious and angry and sad and overly eager. The difference is in the way I’ve responded to those feelings since starting treatment. My awareness of the condition and the symptoms that accompany it, along with my medication, has helped me acknowledge my feelings before acting on them.

I hope it’s not the honeymoon period. I hope it lasts.

It’s early yet.

But if this remarkable change is here to stay [with dedicated treatment], I can’t help but feel frustration with myself for not seeking help sooner. Just to think on all the chaos and anguish I could have spared myself and others… But I’m here now, and perhaps it’s exactly where I’m supposed to be – writing this blog so that you may read it and be inspired to act now. For yourself, or for someone you know, before it’s too late. Make no mistake, this disease does kill. The suicide rate for people with Bipolar Disorder is twenty times that of the general population, and nearly 30% will make a suicide attempt at least once in their lifetime.

Don’t pity me, and please don’t fear me. I’m not very different from you. I have a family, friends, a career, hopes and dreams and struggles and fears. For those of you that know me, I’m still Jen. Maybe I’m even a better Jen – my greater and more genuine self. As a society, we need to reframe the way we perceive and speak about mental illness. Help me promote a fair image for those individuals and families that are afflicted with it – so they won’t suffer in silence. So they get help.

My name is Jen Hogue, and I’m diagnosed Bipolar II. Today, I’m in treatment. I take my medication everyday and see my counselor every week. I have a sense of hope that I haven’t had in far too long. I still don’t know if I’ll be brave enough to publish this. But I hope I will. After all, it’s often in the greatest risks we take that we find our greatest triumphs, and our greatest gifts to one another.  

[otdderamin]

Fiction: Pandemonium, CR C1 Ep115

CONTENT WARNING: Mental health crisis

SPOILERS: End of Campaign 1

I've been thinking about this since the end of campaign 1. There were an awful lot of lose threads for Percy's mental health between the last scenes of the campaign and the epilogue. Descriptions of Pandemonium sounded like a terrible place to put someone in Percy's state. I am going off my existing theory about Percy's mental health.

Story

Vex and Percy camped in the woods the night Vax died. The day Sylas got away, and she'd helped kill Cassandra, and they'd battled Vecna the ascended, and he'd tried to fight The Raven Queen. They got drunk and cried themselves exhausted. She fell asleep being held by him. She woke up alone in the hours between late and early.

Hers was the panic of finding him, the day before, alone on the steps on the verge of throwing his life away for a shot at hurting Death. She found him sitting outside in the damp cold. He said he couldn't sleep and didn't want to wake her. He'd been sleeping badly since they’d found the Briarwoods alive. She managed to coax him back in the tent. She tried not to mind how fitfully he slept.

They slept late. It wasn't the respite they were hoping for, and they packed up their gear disheartened. They had to go back to the grim reality of everyday life eventually.

Instead, they found Keyleth waiting anxiously by their door. She told them Grog had pulled a card and gone catatonic in the night. Pike, JB, and Scanlan were researching what had happened. Vex took Percy's hand. He was staring off at nothing looking crushed. She said she'd join the research. Percy said he had to resupply in the workshop. There was a note of panic in his voice. He brushed off their concern. He was fine. He had to be.

He looked exhausted at dinner in the castle. He'd already been drinking. He picked at his food and ate little. He was quiet while they talked about their findings. All of them were drinking heavily that evening. Two missing seats haunted the room. Percy passed out at the table, never making it to bed.

Vex found him in the workshop early the next morning, hard at work. She brought him a mug of coffee. He hadn’t changed and looked disheveled. His energy was off, frenetic but dragging. He'd been hit hard by the last few days and it was showing. He didn't leave the workshop all day.

At dinner they reported they knew what had happened to Grog and where he was. Tomorrow they'd figure out how to get there. Percy tried to be cheered by that glimmer of hope. His appetite was better.

He broke down crying in their room. Even if they got Grog back, he'd lost so many people. Cassandra's death was eating at him. She gently joked they were even now. He laughed grimly, but it turned back to tears. Everyone was at risk because of them. She held him and said, "We’ll save them, then. We’ll build better defenses and wards." But he was right to worry, and she knew it. It hung between them. She cried for her own losses and he tried feebly to console her. He finally fell into an uneasy sleep, overwhelmed by exhaustion, and woke late.

They made a plan the next day. They briefed everyone for what was known about Pandemonium, then split to prepare. Percy packed all four hip flasks and two bottles of whiskey. He rebraided Vex's hair tightly, and added the black feather left on their windowsill. They saw a similar feather newly tied to Keyleth's antlers, taken as a sign from Vax. Cassandra saw them off from the castle foyer, looking worried.

 Pandemonium was more intense than they imagined. The yawning caverns were pitch black. Even with their lights they could barely make out the far side. The bewildering gravity pulled to the walls instead of towards one ground. Winds howled through the tunnels. They had to yell even over the earpieces.

They located the Styx and followed it for a while. Vex found flying low, while tricky, was less disorienting than walking. The gnomes rode Keyleth as a bronze dragon while Percy and Vex rode the broom. He lost his lunch after they went through a corkscrew of weird gravity. When they stopped to orient themselves, he chased a long drink of water with his flask. He struggled with the roar. He picked at his food. He slept badly, waking up twice from nightmares, screaming.

Day two was nearly a repeat of the first, but longer and more grueling. They fought a group of bugbears whose souls were locked there. He floundered in the battle. His aim was off. Animus jammed three times before breaking. He took hard hits from the psychic damage. The crack of Bad News was magnified in the caverns. His ears rang so badly, he could barely hear them. The healing spells helped, but not completely. He was moody and out of it by the time they stopped. He slunk off to the workshop to fix his gun. He ate little with great effort. He turned in early but tossed and turned anxiously before slinking off to read.

Keyleth found him in the library early in the morning, hunched in a chair spaced out. His eyes were red, and there were tear streaks on his face. Half the whiskey bottle was gone. She asked if he was alright and needed to talk. He said he'd be fine. They just had to get through this. He sounded distant. He tried to be subtle about adding whiskey to his coffee at breakfast. Vex and Pike caught it, and shared a glance, but said nothing. He looked tired but moved with an inattentive, hasty energy. She helped him fix the buttoning on his vest. Pike kept up on the healing spells.

Two more days passed as they tried to pick their way through the caverns. The constant gale was getting to all of them. Scanlan’s singing and verbal spells barely carried. Percy seemed more affected than the rest. He was badly stressed, distracted, making mistakes, and taking stupid risks. When he broke his silence, he was rushed and rambley. His jokes were cutting and harsh. The punchline was still being alive.

He did his best to force himself to eat. He seemed more and more fey. He held Vex when she broke down crying for her brother. He stroked her hair, but all he found to say was, "I'm so sorry." He didn't cry with her. He sounded numb and hazy.

They were getting close on the sixth day. The tunnel became narrow. The weird gravity made it too hard to fly. Vex took the lead as their best scout. When the terrain ahead got treacherous, they stopped for lunch. Vex watched Percy stop short, look around confused, and sit where he was with his elbows on his knees, apart from the others.

She knelt beside him and asked, "Darling, can I get you something?" He didn’t respond, just stared blankly ahead. She gently laid her hand against his cheek, and called louder, "Darling, are you okay?" He didn't melt into her touch. He didn't react at all. He seemed oblivious to everything around him, and she was suddenly terrified.

She felt the weight of the others looking on with concern. She cast Cure Wounds, praying some injury had brought this on. She wasn't surprised when it found nothing to heal.

"I didn't see any spell or trap," offered Keyleth. "I was behind him all day. I have Greater Restoration prepared."

"Do it," said Vex, her voice breaking. "Maybe it will help." She didn't sound convinced. She sat back to let Keyleth work, taking his hand.

Keyleth placed her palms on either side of his face. She concentrated until a light like spring growth and autumn leaves washed over him. There was a flicker of relief, and then pain. As Keyleth took her hands away, he started crying, shuttering, and panicked. He pulled his hand away and curled further into a ball of misery. He was nearly incoherent except to faintly repeat, "I can't..."

Keyleth was shocked. "Percy?"

"Get the mansion up! He can't stay out here," called Vex, stress and concern flooding her voice. She laid a hand gently on his shoulder, and said soothingly, "Darling it's alright. You're going to be alright. We're going to get you inside." The minute to cast the spell felt like an eternity.

He resisted when they tried to help him up, recoiling wretchedly. Finally Vex popped Trinket out and asked Percy if she could use it on him. He made no reply but disappeared when she tried. She carried him to their room, bare of decor at her request, and released him towards the bed. He sat down hard. A strange high-pitched noise filled the room. It took her a moment to realize it was a sound of deep distress from Percy.

"Darling it's alright. You're going to be alright."

The others milled about the hall, too worried to go far. Eventually Vex motioned Keyleth back in to help her. Percy sat in a quiet daze on the edge of the bed. They got off his outer layers, his armor, and his boots. Keyleth started to see the grim practice in what Vex was doing. She let the silence hang between them until Vex said she'd get the rest.

They sat awkwardly outside a long time taking off their own gear, before Keyleth said, "Why didn't we do anything? We all knew he wasn't alright."

"Have any of us been okay with all this?" asked Scanlan.

The silence spoke for them.

Vex looked worried and worn when she eventually came out.

"How is he?" asked Pike.

"He's resting. I don't want to leave him alone for long, but there's nothing I can do and I'm starving."

"Vex…" Keyleth struggled for words. "I saw in there… This isn't the first time."

Vex stared guiltily at the floor before leaning into Keyleth's offered hug. "It was bad after the dragons. Never this bad. We pushed ourselves hard because we had to. We all knew the cost of failure. I kept telling myself I was worrying too much, but I should have done more.

"His depression crashed, but he was also manic. Like he's been since we found Delilah. He shut himself away in his workshop for days but made little progress. He couldn't focus or think clearly. He got frustrated, upset, and careless. He got hurt a couple times. Sometimes I'd find him just drinking alone and crying. He pushed me away. Said he couldn't do it anymore. That was that for a couple months. There were a few nights I was afraid…"

"Eventually it seemed to lift. He was calmer, more productive. Clearer and sharper. He went back to work improving Whitestone. We started over again. Maybe a little impulsively, but we didn't want to waste more time.

"We felt like there was something left to do. We were waiting for another mission, but not this. The Briarwoods threw him. He's been struggling since. I don't think he let any of us see how much. It was all so fast.

"I think Cassandra… even though we brought her back, then Vax…" her voice broke, "then Grog getting trapped was too much. Like it would never just be over or safe. Like the last year of getting better didn't happen." She was crying. "I don't want to lose him, too."

Pike gently took her hand. "I'll go sit with him. You get something to eat. Take off your armor." She left before Vex could protest. Vex did her best to take care of herself before worry overtook her and she went back to do what little she could for him.

The others tried to make a plan for the next day. Worry won out over the mission. They'd take another day here. Grog wasn't going anywhere as best they could tell. Pike observed the Restoration spell had some effect. He was doing so badly it was worth trying again.

Percy slept fitfully and late. The time to renew the mansion was getting near when Pike tried Greater Restoration. The wave of peace lasted longer. He seemed more aware of his surroundings. He put himself together enough to go outside. But even the minute back in Pandemonium was overwhelming and draining. He collapsed back into bed and curled up crying.

They debated what to do. It was too risky to send him back alone with Planeshift, and too risky to be down two people. If they had to, they’d cast fly on Trinket and put Percy in the necklace. He was still far too fragile to set out tomorrow. They'd wait another day. Pike would try Greater Restoration again before dinner. It was expensive and incremental, but it was working.

He started coming back to himself after the next round of spells. He said, "Thank you. Both of you. I'm sorry I haven't been myself. I'm sorry I've been a burden. I…" Vex hugged him and reassured him. However hesitantly, he relaxed into her arms and tried to believe her. He ate well. For the first time in many days he got a good night's rest.

After the morning spells he was brighter, more lucid. He spent the day reading with Vex and Keyleth in the library. He made light conversation. It was clear he was still far from alright, but the very worst of it had passed.

He continued to improve with the evening and morning spells. His appetite was better. His nightmares were milder, though he'd flipped to sleeping very long. He didn't look so pale or so exhausted. After checking in with him, they decided to continue their journey.

The rest of the quest was uneventful, if slower. Percy was still struggling. They could only stay out a few hours before he began to glaze over and dissociate. Keeping up with Greater Restoration helped, but it could only fix so much so fast, it was expensive, and they had to start rationing the supplies quickly. He was still drinking more heavily than the rest of them. But by the time they released Grog, he was back to his usual cutting wit. He teased Grog about losing an arm. Vex wondered how much of himself felt missing.

When they Plane Shifted back to the center of Whitestone, he hugged the Suntree and said, "Never again. I'm never going back to that horrible place for any reason. I'd rather go back to Hell."

 His recovery was slow. He took another week off his duties as Sophist of Native Ingenuity. When he tried to get back to work, he couldn't focus. He overslept. He zoned out in meetings. He couldn't understand plans through the brain fog. He took another week off, then two, then a leave of absence. He was gone nearly a year. He hated it. He hated feeling useless. He hated feeling like a burden. But Vex was right that he wasn't in fit shape to do it.

And so it went over the next two years of slowly piecing himself together after years of breaking. Keyleth made the trip back to Whitestone for Greater Restoration once a week, or any time he had a crisis. The magic helped a lot, but even magic couldn't undo everything at once. With need and resources, Whitestone was the first to start developing psychotherapy separate from temple work. Cassandra and many of Vox Machina were happy to participate.

Keenly aware of the privilege and community that allowed them help, Percy and Vex drew up a plan to lower barriers for all. When the final plan was put forward, the Chamber of Whitestone voted unanimously for socialized medicine out of taxes on timber and Whitestone production.

A lot was done with more careful study of plants and minerals. The discovery of a lithia spring in the mountains was a boon for Percy's health. Keyleth's regular visits could be cut back to once a month.

However slowly, the pain of the past started staying there. The future, with family, friends, and a prospering home, had begun to flourish.

If you’d like earlier access to my work, follow my blog at deramin.net.

If you like this transcript, consider buying me a coffee (ko-fi.com/otdderamin). I’ve been working on these while struggling to adjust to disability. Donating helps me justify spending time on these projects.

[daydreamer-bby]

Getting Along: ???

My depressed self has made it 11 days sober. I don't feel like I'm drawn to narcotics at all, but the reasons why I was using so heavily and for so long are once again giving me a metric fuck ton of grief.

Last night I spiraled into an episode. I basically kept waking up my husband to ask him if he really loved me and wanted to be here with me. He's the kind of man who is quiet and keeps to himself, and honestly he's probably autistic as well but his level of functioning hasn't led him to the level of care that my own has for me.

I kept trying to engage and inflame him over things that exist in our relationship, but honestly, those topics were such a small, SMALL fraction of the flood of thoughts that were overwhelming me. Eventually he put his foot down by explaining he had to be up in a few hours to work and it was the worst day of the month for his desk, this somehow helped semi-snap me out of trying to engage with him.

I went to the living room to cry it out on my own, which wasn't too terrible because that's basically what I've done most of my life anyway. BUT it's totally worth mentioning that up until the last day I got high, this sort of spiral usually led to self harm, bingeing, manic episodes, getting high, hyperventilating to the point of fainting, etc..

Being able to just sit with myself until all the intrusive thoughts and anxiety symptoms melted away was freaking surreal. In the absence of escalating behaviors I've grown accustomed to, this took maybe ninety minutes. Usually my ill self takes the wheel and things just get worse and worse until I'm hurt or in the DEEP shame that keeps me stuck or even leads to catatonic episodes of depression. I felt so relieved once I stabilized, I was able to then go back to our bed and sleep for about thirteen hours.

My mind was racing so intensely for awhile I don't even remember if I used any real coping methods or if I just let the feelings and thoughts run their course without interacting with them in any meaningful way. Is that a strategy? Did I have any notable dissociative moments? I really can't tell. I know that I'm more armed than ever with coping skills and I've been ear-reading this pretty amazing book my new therapist recommended, but it just doesn't feel like I put in the work I guess. (btw the book is called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown, pretty good book to pick up and down as your mood and schedule allows... not that I have a schedule right now being unemployed and all LOL)

I woke up feeling guilty but not ashamed. I was able to have a pretty calm afternoon with my husband and of course he understood and empathized and reassured me. I only wish he were more interactive with me. He can seem so far away sometimes, but I think that's more on me since I tend to forget I'm loved when I'm not actively being loved. I hate to say it but I am kind of a nightmare when I'm having an episode. He's my number one everything, I want so so badly to keep on growing and healing so we can both be good for each other to the best of our ability.

Anyway... I was in such a bad place last night. I find myself now in a completely contrasting state, it's hard to put myself back in that mental space. I'm literally sitting here in the dining room, hair washed, skin moisturized, dog at my feet, and a bottle of PSL syrup in my fridge that I just made. Mental illness is such a freaking joke. Less than 24 hours ago I was drowning and trying desperately not to think of harming myself, and now, I am calmly in love with my life.

I played myself lmao.

[mattiefaye-blog]

I only ever seem to come to Tumblr in desperation. And usually, once I get here and figure out how to log in after some years away, and then scroll through my old posts from back when Tumblr was a bigger part of my life, then I’ve calmed myself down somewhat or tired myself out, and I’m not feeling super motivated to write anymore. 

I came here tonight to write a letter. To someone who shared my Tumblr tendencies back in the day, back when we were friends and life was a little simpler but seemed way more complicated. I thought I’d be all poetic and I’d write this long letter, and if the intended recipient did ever actually see it, maybe it would only be years from now when Tumblr sends them an email to let them know their account is being deactivated, and the end of it would read something like “if you ever see this, please don’t text me or call me or acknowledge it in any way, I just had to say what I needed to say.” But that would just be the dramatic streak in me, because we all know that I’d halfway be expecting a response, because why else does someone write a letter on a platform where they know it could potentially be seen?

So then I thought, maybe I’ll write the letter anyway and publish it privately. But what good does that really do anyone?

So maybe I won’t write the letter at all, I’ll just write for myself. 

Over the past few years I’ve started to use the line “grief is a weird thing” when I’m trying to comfort someone that I think is experiencing grief. I think the line is true in general, grief IS a weird thing - but the line is kind of a cop out. I’ve learned that grief means different things to different people. I used to think that grief was just an emotion felt over something physical lost. Someone died. You grieve. That’s what it means. But now, I think that’s not true. I think you can grieve over many things. Someone dies. Someone walks out of your life. You lose a pet, a job, a material possession. I think you can grieve intangibles just as easily. A part of yourself that you feel you’ve lost, a dream you thought you had, a perception or perspective that turned out to be wrong. 

And then grief does its weird thing. It shows up, it ravages you, then it goes away completely. Then it pops back up most unexpectedly. It varies in intensity, it varies in duration, it varies in manifestation. It makes you cry, or it makes you rage, or it makes you almost....manic. It’s unpredictable. It’s...weird. 

For me, it seems most likely to show up when I’m already in an altered mental state. When I’m feeling vulnerable or “depressed” - whatever that means, different topic - anxious, angry, etc. My brain goes down a rabbit hole of negative emotions, and over that stretch of a few days or a couple weeks or whatever the timing is, waves of grief over people and things I’ve lost come over me randomly. 

Lately, it’s been a lot of things, but specifically, a friend I lost a while ago. Everything seems like a timewarp these days, so I’m unclear on exactly how long it’s been, but I think it’s in the ballpark of a year and a half. It was around the holidays a couple of years ago. I won’t go into details (in the event I ever write that letter, I’ll be saving all the specifics for that), but the general story is that I was blind-sided by a declaration that this person was leaving my life. Seemingly for no good reason, though there was an explanation attached that I still haven’t accepted. My initial reaction was anger, and in retrospect, that probably wasn’t the way to go. I have grieved over this loss. Heavily at first, and then my feelings subsided, but the sense of loss hasn’t gone away. I’ve gone over and over the bits of conversation that I can recall, the last in-person times that we spent together, looking for clues as to what could have brought about the change, and what I’ve landed on is that it could only have been my own fault, but I still have a hard time accepting that because I just don’t think it adds up.

I don’t think it would be as big of a deal as it is, if I felt like I had a network of people that could replace a loss like that. But......as it turns out, the past 10-ish years have seen a steady decline in people that I would call myself “close” to, or that I would trust with real personal information about myself. 

I used to think of my friends in terms of a big bullseye around myself. In each ring, there were various friends, some closer to me and some further from me at any given time, but some with special powers that could kind of transcend those rings (the kinds of friends that you can go for months without talking to, but when they come back around, it’s like you never left each other). There was also a separate classification system in my head - that organized the friends into buckets of who I would go to for what topic. You know, some friends you can talk to about relationship troubles, some you reach out to for help fixing the busted pipe under the sink, some you go to the bar with, some you ask to look over your resume - different people had different wheelhouses. At this point in my life, I don’t feel like there are even enough people left to classify in those categories. 

Most people my age, even those that have been my closest friends at any given point in my life, are at very different stages of their lives now than I am. (And this is not to say that different stages in life are a problem, it just creates a certain divide that you can’t always bridge.) Some of my friends aren’t married. Most of my married friends have kids. Some of my friends have exceeded my level professionally. Some of my friends are still in college. And so I’m left with very few people that can relate to where I am in my life, in my marriage, in my own head. And that makes meaningful relationships harder. I call a lot of people my friends that in actuality, I don’t consider to really be friends. What do they personally know about me? What effort have they made to understand who I am at my core? Anyway, again, that’s a different topic for another blog post. 

All this to say - someone walking out of my life that I valued was hard for me to accept. And the grief has been heavy lately, probably because everything has been heavy lately. 

I’m under no illusion that my life is difficult or that I have anything to complain about, in the big scheme of things. But I do think that grief has been taking a toll on me. Over people I’ve lost, as mentioned above, but also over the loss of I guess what I thought things would be like at this point in my life. Maybe it’s pandemic fatigue, or just being in my 30s, your standard quarter-life reflection type stuff. But in any case, here’s hoping that the next time I turn to Tumblr, it’ll be less out of desperation and more out of some intention to write something I find meaningful. 

Whatever your own grief is tonight, just remember - grief is a weird thing. And it’s okay to let it have its place now and again. 

[changingthedefinition]

World mental health awareness day 2017

Mental health. When I stop to think about what mental health means to me, I remember the diverse range of unique individuals I have met during my inpatient admissions, starting in 2008. I remember the sadness, pain and turmoil that even those who appeared overly happy and energetic felt. I will never forget the way in which some of the most unwell people came together as a community. A community in which no one was judged, or intentionally disrespected, and for the most part we were all equals. I met people Suicidal people, depressed people, manic people, and psychotic people. I met people with a history of substance abuse and others who were studying in oxford and Cambridge. I saw people so unwell that they would walk round without any clothes on, sing all through the night, and one individual who believed she was dead. Despite all this, both in hospital and in the community, we not only accepted each other, but also respected each other. If someone were to ask me about mental health, I would say it’s something everyone has. It is just one aspect of what makes up our overall health and as with physical health, can be good or poor. No one is immune to experiencing poor mental health, with most people in the developed world experiencing stress, anxiety, or depression at some point in their lives. And if an individual doesn’t personally come up against times when their own mental health is not as good as it could be, the chance are, often without realising, we know someone who is battling to restore their mental health. The description painted in film and book is not an accurate representation of poor mental health. Not everyone is suicidal, very few are dangerous, and the vast majority of the time its medication which puts individuals in a zombie like state. Suicide and attempted suicide are not about an individual being selfish, or seeking attention, but generally speaking a response to an unexplainable disperse, in that persons mind, an only option. It’s very difficult to confront situations and beliefs, which interfere with someone’s life, due to the anxiety caused. They can’t just get on with it. That when someone is manic, they aren’t happy, or won’t be for long. Although sometimes appearing amusing in their actions, the racing in their minds is exhausting and distressing. Depression isn’t feeling sad, or having a bad day. It is a powerful nothingness which in some cases can have the strength to take a person’s ability to wash, eat or talk. It’s not something to snap out of. Despite the fact that poor mental health and mental illness are often debilitating and overwhelming, and carry negative stigma, over all, it’s difficult to describe someone limited by their mental health negatively. It’s not weak to battle your mental health, in fact it helps mould some incredibly strong and caring people. More and more often, through campaigns such as ‘Heads Together,’ led by Prince William, Prince Harry, and Kate Middleton, and a growing awareness through the media, we are encouraged to talk about mental health. The government has discussed programs with in school and work places to address the growing strain on society’s mental health. And a lot more people are opening up publically about their personal struggles. These are incredible strides forwards, and mental and emotional health does seem to be less of a taboo subject than it was even just a few years ago. I think it’s important to remember, that it is ok to talk, to ask for help, to let people know that things are hard, despite the negative reactions you may have faced perviously. It’s important to keep expressing yourself in a healthy way, because at some point you will find an individual, whether a friend, a family member, a colleague, a teacher, a GP, who will listen and make you feel worthy of moving forwards and restoring your health. No matter who you are, you are not immune from having poor mental wellbeing. In fact, our brains are still catching up with how much the world has changed over the past 200 years, increasing our vulnerability. Education is pressured, work is intense, relationships are complex, and poor mental health and emotional health can be seen everywhere. You are responsible for yourself, at the end of the day you are the only one with a choice over what you do, however a support system is essential to maintaining or restoring good mental wellbeing. Try not to isolate yourself, and keep an honest dialogue going. Your conversations about mental health, may encourage others to start talking. Don’t let stigma, unhelpful experiences, or fear keep you suffering. It’s ok to talk.